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The Better Think Twice Issue
December 2007

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What This Family Needs Is Some Christmas Spirit
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What This Family Needs is a Gourmet Holiday Cheeseball
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What Eve is doing instead of dating Sam Morgan:
  1. Washing her hair (58%)
  2. Curling her hair (10.7%)
  3. Primping her hair (18%)
  4. Drying her hair (3%)
  5. Fixing her hair for her goldfish's funeral (4%)
  6. Cutting her hair (3.3%)


BoUNCe explains 2007: A letter from the editor. Listen to me! I'm Clayton!

By Clayton Margeson
Dear Leader Margeson

As the year draws to a close, it's important to not think about the future for fear that it might happen sooner than we are ready for it. Instead, we must all be sure to dwell on the events of the past, especially those that will more than likely happen again, but in a good way.

So, rather than think about all those wars and rebellions and financial debts and famous deaths and TV show cancellations that have plagued the world in the year 2007, let's remember the good times in 2007 that our country had, except for that one war that really isn't anyone's fault except for Sadaam's, maybe.

In fact, let's not even go national, because, honestly, who has the time or memory or factual news source to do that? Not us, especially now that both "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" are running reruns. Instead, let's focus on the good times that we, the people of Chapel Hill, which is pretty much just the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, which is pretty much just me, had. So, what did me had? Me had fun.

This is why I chose to write this letter to all the loyal readers of the Clayton QuarterlyTM. I know you are out there, at least somewhere, and I hope my message reaches all of my fans. You all need to know about my accomplishments before I leave, before they become twisted and revised by history's cruelest writers: everyone but me.

In 2007, I experimented with cold fusion, becoming the first person to discover how to bring about a non-renewable energy source. Some would say that this accomplishment is flawed and was actually just my interruption of a keg stand in order to get myself another drink, but to these people I say I am entitled to this discovery just as much as I was entitled to that drink, no matter whose birthday it was. And it wasn't mine.

In 2007, I reunited children with parents and made families happy again. Pending a DNA test, I can assure you that all of those children really do belong to my evil twin Jorge. Also, because we are twins, we have the same DNA. Also, he lives very far away and won't be coming back. Still, peace of mind is better than a real father any day, especially one who doesn't love you. Which is Jorge, not me.

Finally, in 2007, I became chancellor of UNC-CH. Moeser's accomplishments were well-earned, but in the end we all know that my chancellordom will be more important to history, especially to those who know me as a kind and benevolent ruler who did not steal any funding from the Clayton QuarterlyTM. And for those of you who do not remember my ClaytonershipTM, do bear in mind that before I could finish by inauguration, the university fell under attack by the mind-altering Brainallizors, which attempted to alter our brain patterns and turn us into slaves, until I defeated them with my mighty powers of Doomblasts. Unfortunately, the temporal line was disrupted in a final battle between myself and the Brain Titan, their dictator, in order to undo all the death and destruction done to the world by their invasion. So, technically, it may not have "happened," but there is very little to prove that it "didn't."

And, as I look back over the events of this year, and, indeed, even the ones that "didn't" "happen," I remember how much I've given to this university, and, with a smile, know that I deserve something back. Specifically money.

Have a great time without me. Or don't, because you won't.