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The Better Think Twice Issue
December 2007

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What Eve is doing instead of dating Sam Morgan:
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The "South Campus" Diet

By Alex Hunt

It came to light earlier today that the Rams Head cafeteria has been attempting to cure obesity among freshman through a variety of nefarious schemes. Instead of offering students a tasty yet healthy option, like the delicious wraps found in Top of Lenoir, the manager has attempted to deter students from unhealthy options using unacceptable quantities of sugar, lemon juice, Worcestershire Sauce, and tapeworm eggs—lowering their health inspection rating by 15 points, to 37%.

By replacing the occasional grain of rice in the stir-fry with a tapeworm egg, the manager hopes to help students deal with their weight problems in a creative way without resorting to dangerous methods such as bulimia or low fat diets.

Although we could not reach the manager for comment, the sandwich man courageously commented on the controversial policy, saying, "I'm the sandwich stand man, wild as the Taliban, "White' in my right, "Italian parm' in my other hand!"

The Biology and Internal Medicine Departments here at UNC have commented on the decision, saying that the tapeworms used by Rams Head might be more detrimental to one's health than previously thought. They claimed that it could exacerbate the discomfort, diarrhea, class action lawsuits, and loss of appetite caused by the food itself.