The Better Think Twice Issue
December 2007
- Escalator TV huge hit with hungry students
- Anti-immigration politician admits love of Mexican food
- Congress asks America to just take a nap
- The new face (meat) of Carolina Dining Services
What This Family Needs Is Some Christmas Spirit
What This Family Needs is a Gourmet Holiday Cheeseball
- Washing her hair (58%)
- Curling her hair (10.7%)
- Primping her hair (18%)
- Drying her hair (3%)
- Fixing her hair for her goldfish's funeral (4%)
- Cutting her hair (3.3%)
December 2007 Articles
- Center Spread: Chapel Hill - Desert Planet
- Top Ten Ways to Celebrate Hanukkah
- My only other gay friend
would be perfect for you!
- Kanye West disowns hip hop, embraces emo
- Tea drinker burns tongue on first sip, ruins whole cup
- New, experimental taste of southern
hospitality squeezes into kitchens
- Unsustainability dorm in the works
- How the Chinese stole Christmas
- Ask Alli
- Old board games promote violence
- Guitar Hero leads to injuries
- BoUNCe explains 2007: A letter from the editor. Listen to me! I'm Clayton!
- B-ball players given new nicknames
- Gardening with Nora again... Today's flower: Wisteria frutescens
- Mitt Romney clones himself
- The "South Campus" Diet
- X-treme Environmentalism
- GOP: Revolution was un-American
- PostSecret
As pollution mounts and global warming becomes a more pressing issue, UNC groups are forming to protect Mother Earth. One of the most influential groups in conservation is Earth Lives Forever (ELF). In response to the recent drought, ELF's members (or elves, as they call themselves) have introduced a number of revolutionary and radical methods for protecting our planet.
Some of these methods involve everyday activities, such as the one illustrated by the phrase: "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down."
However, according to ELF members, that's just not enough.
"Who cares if you're damaging your bladder? Mine has exploded. Twice. I just had to spend a couple of weeks in the hospital. I mean, it's for Mother Earth. She is sacred and all we do is pollute Her with our toxins," sophomore Holly Robinson told BoUNCe. "We feel that using the bathroom more than once a day is completely unnecessary."
Instead of Pit-sitting, elves spend their time standing guard at various restrooms around campus to mark an "X" on students' hands after they have used it once. Additional elves forcibly remove any student with an "X" from the building.
When asked about limiting her restroom use to once a day, freshman Anna Coltridge responded, "I normally go to that unguarded restroom in Chapman to wash the ‘X' off my hand before I have to go again. Sometimes I have to wash it for a long time, but it eventually comes off."
Coltridge also informed BoUNCe that she has witnessed elves beating a number of joggers and runners for sweating on university grounds. "I saw two elves beat a jogger with tiny hammers right outside of the arboretum. They told her she needed to donate her sweat, or stop exercising," said Coltridge.
ELF has denied the accusations. The organization also believes that anorexia is a form of worship to Mother Earth by simply consuming less. For those that feel food or water is a necessity, ELF encourages bulimia, which essentially returns nutrients back to Mother Earth that we forcefully took from Her.
Some students have accused ELF of being too radical. When asked about these accusations, the group's president, Alonzo Gored, sternly stated, "This is a moral issue. If you really cared about Mother Earth, you would do the honorable thing and use less energy to function! If you really cared, you would live off the land with the creatures of the forest. You would go camping! Forever!"
A number of physicists and engineers have recently come forward with charts and calculations that prove ELF is using more energy to help conserve energy. Despite this new information, the elves have checked their lists twice and continue to work their magic around campus.