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GOP: Revolution was un-American

By Benjamin Ossoff

The committee appointed by the Republican National Convention to outline official party stances on U.S. history following the Armenian-genocide issue in Congress has recently released the final draft of its report. Though over two hundred years of history were covered therein, the most attention is being given to the labeling of the Revolutionary War of 1775-1786 as "un-American."

"We could not in good conscience condone the immoral act of throwing off a divinely ordained authority—not unlike the presidency in nature—by mere colonials," said a party spokesperson.

Other reasons for the decision given were the numerous attacks on executive privilege in the Declaration of Independence, including some "positively left-wing" denunciations of trials without juries and "combin[ing] with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution." Also, the anti-torture stance of Gen. George Washington and the deists, rather than the born-again faith of many of the rebels—as they are now labeled—were called into question.

"Plus, French troops were involved. Need I say more?" added conservative pundit Ann Coulter, currently penning her seventh book "Even More Treason: Liberal Treachery from 1607-1800."

Further condemnations in the GOP Historical Examiners' Report (GOPHER) included a very strongly worded attack on the establishment of minimum wage, early 20th century anti- trust laws, and the 13th Amendment as collective "attacks on the free-market economy." On a less hostile note, the report lauded the Indian Removal Act of 1830 as a patriotic example of being tough on non-citizen aliens, and the Alien and Sedition Acts and the Sedition Act of 1918 as valuable antiterrorism measures to be emulated.

Though the "colonial uprisings" of the 18th century are now considered "un-American" as a matter of official political policy, GOP members surveyed said they had no intention of boycotting Independence Day, which many still regard as the most patriotic day on the calendar after Christmas and Veteran's Day.