By Andy Jones
Terry Schaivo died on March 31st. But on April 9th, she rose out of her grave to seek vengeance on the people who kept her alive in such a horrible state (vegetative) in such a horrible state (Florida) for so long. The first place she visited was the residence of Jeb Bush.
His wife, Columba, told reporters, "I seen this woman, who was real pale-like, come bustin' through the do' and jump on Jeb and start eatin' his brains! I scared her away befo' she kilt 'im, but now he's dumb as a brick. All he does is jes' sit there'n drool." Few other people could tell a difference in the demeanor of Jeb. "Seems like the same old Jeb to me," said his brother, George.
Terry's appetite for brains has led authorities to believe that she is a zombie, which has sparked a recent nation-wide debate concerning the rights of the undead. Many religious and right-wing lobbyists are pressuring the government to require doctors to reinsert the feeding tube into the zombie.
"Hey, just because it has little to no capacity for higher brain function, it can't communicate, it is a significant strain on the resources of the state that could go to larger charitable purposes, and it would be dead if someone - in this case the Dark Lord - had not intervened to extend its life does not mean that it should not have all the rights of a person!" Jimbo Red, a right-2-unlife spokesperson, explained. When asked why something that was already dead would need a feeding tube, Jimbo responded, "It needs brains! I sure as hell don't want it to eat mine! I say we pump it full of poor people's brains so we don't have to kill it and we don't have to worry about it eating ours."
Ironically, the vegetative state of Jeb Bush has got Republicans insisting that a feeding tube be inserted in the governor as well, stating that "it would probably not affect his abilities to govern Florida." Doctors disagree as to the exact length that the feeding tube should be cut, the more outspoken of them complaining that "we have no idea how far he's got his head up his ass, so it will be tough to judge how much will be necessary."
Although religious advocates praise the return of Terri Schiavo as a "message from God" to condemn the actions taken against life, there are mixed opinions about her unlife. "It's just really freaky," said Bobby Kramden, a resident of Florida. "Maybe she takes care of, like, unfinished business with her family or something."
Schiavo herself, when asked for comment, simply grunted and moaned something about still being hungry.