By Ellen Putman
After struggling to catch up to Wendy's in their fast food market share percentage, Hardee's restaurants may finally have found a vehicle for success. Noting the increased amount of free publicity Wendy's recieved last month when a woman eating at a franchise restaurant in California found a human finger in her cup of chili, Hardee's devised its own plan.
Their new "A Human Ear In Every Six Dollar Burger" campaign, to be launched next week, promises to deliver exactly that: a human ear sandwiched in with every Six Dollar Burger. The ears will come from all types of humans, but particularly those of homeless people. As an added bonus, some ears will come complete with piercings and jewelry. An Ear Collecter's Guide comes free with every value meal in the hope of inspiring customers to try for a complete set.
"It is our hope to corner the market on inappropriately placed human parts found in fast food," says Hardee's spokesman, Star. "We want to become the restaurant people dare each other to eat at and the one they only talk about in urban legends. For the past few months we'd been including roach eggs in just about everything on the menu, hoping against hope that they would hatch in someone's mouth just like that urban legend about the girl who accidentally ate at Taco Bell, but no such luck. Since then, we've redirected our efforts away from insect eggs and focused on human ears, and we have a pretty good feeling that it's going to pay off big time."
Depending on the initial success of the campaign, Hardee's plan may expand to include the placement of other appendages in breakfast sandwiches and side items, as well as battered and fried onto pieces of their fried chicken.
When asked to comment on Hardee's plan, Arby's spokesperson Oven Mitt seemed unphased. "Human ears? Big deal - it's a little too late. People have been finding lymph nodes in our roast beef sandwiches for years."