By Will Jones
Calm down. Take a deep breath and remember that the massive brain trauma of Student Government elections is far behind us. You don't have to be scared of being attacked by campaigners when we venture into the Pit. That being said, we here at BoUNCe felt that maybe someone should explain to the good students of Chapel Hill just who is leading them, and how.
1. The Executive Branch
The executive branch consists of the Student Body President and his hordes of sycophantic hangers-on, who are mainly there to fetch donuts and make signs. The SBP is the most powerful student on campus, and by "powerful" we mean "bereft of hope and without any joy in living." His duties consist mainly of ordering his flunkies to make banners and posing for the DTH in strange poses in mid-speech so his lips look like those of a large-mouth bass. On occasion, he also weeps bitterly.
2. The Legislative Branch
UNC has a Student Congress. We know, we were surprised, too. But let me tell you, these guys take their jobs very seriously. They deliberate for minutes on end to decide critical issues like locations of bicycle pumps on campus and how to take funding away from student groups. After these careful considerations and what can only be described as a plethora of intravenous drugs, they pass Student Laws, putting their twisted visions of the future into horrifying effect. That is, until the next day when real university officials burn the Student Laws to help light the bonfire for their latest sacrifice to the Dark Gods. At this point, the representatives to Student Congress also weep bitterly.
3. The Judicial Branch
For those students who want a place in campus politics but can't even begin to pretend that they still have a soul, there is the Honor Court. All of the Honor Court officials that we talked to were too busy eating babies to tell us their mission statement, but it appears to have something to do with crushing the hopes and dreams of as many fellow students as possible. If they had their way, there wouldn't even be any students left at this school - just empty husks of class buildings and broken spirits. The only real defense that you have against them is to never ever write anything down while at UNC. It's the safest way to avoid plagerism. The only reason any of us are still here is their good will.
4. Checks and Balances
So now that you know your way around these scallywags and ne'er-do-wells, you need to know how they function together. And they do function together. They're like the A-Team, except without any of the good-natured rebelliousness and fun. Also, without Mr. T. I guess that just leaves pan and blowing shit up.
The whole thing is pretty complicated, so let's stick to the basics right now. It all starts when the Legislative Branch decides to make a law. Once it is passed, it goes to the Executive Branch. For about an hour the Student Body President stares at the law, baffled by the marvelous invention that is the written word. He then proceeds to sign it with ink made of his own blood. That, mind you, is if he likes it. If he doesn't like it, he makes the Legislative Branch eat it.
The Judicial Branch can still stop the law in its tracks if it's unconstitutional or they happen to be PMSing that day (it's surprising how often that happens). However, if the SBP doesn't agree iwth the decision, he can overturn it. Also if the Legislative Branch still wants the law passed, they can vote by two-thirds majority to kill the entire Judicial Branch. It's surprising how often that happens, too.
So the next time you feel like shooting yourself in the head just so you don't have to look at another campaign placard, just remember: they're sowing the seeds of their own destruction. And isn't that worth smiling about?