By John Musci
The campus is abuzz with its latest fixation: ridiculously hideous people. Everyone, male and female, is scrambling to date the most aesthetically challenged person they can find. Students can't get enough of this "ugly."
"Every time my boyfriend opens his ugly mouth, I just want to kiss his ugly lips and shove my tongue down his throat, which is also ugly," said sophomore Stephanie Mansion.
Senior Mark Clements said, "My girlfriend's nose makes her look like a bird. A really sexy, featherless bird."
Competition for repulsive mates is fierce. Several students have physically accosted by jealous would-be lovers, leaving them with visible injuries. These lesions, flesh wounds, and other broken bones only serve to make the victims more attractive, however.
"What I'm looking for is a guy who has burn marks on at least 90% of his body. No eyebrows, preferably," said Ariel Claremont.
"My girlfriend's paraplegic, so she's in a wheelchair, but I like to think of it as a 'love seat,'" said Marshall Trucker.
Some students, in lieu of this new trend towards hideousness, have decided to go for a new look that only neglect for personal care could ever hope to accomplish, bringing do-it-yourself fashion to new heights.
"I never shave anything. Why would I?" said Rebecca Tinsley, "My boyfriend calls me his 'fuzzy wuzzy.'"
"My boyfriend's got ringworm, but we're in an open relationship, so it's cool with me," said Sarah Ruthers.
There is no telling whether this redefinition of "hotness" will last or become nothing more than a fizzled fad. Whatever the case may be, the jealousy will continue as long as the trend itself does.
Trey Shorts said, "My friend Lenny told me his girlfriend was missing an eye, but then I was like 'Oh yeah? Well mine looks like a weasel threw up a ferret on her face.' That shut him up real good."
As soon as the status of this new hotness became widely known, members of the Carolina Review staff rushed to make good on the opportunity, throwing on their best smelly rags and neglecting to brush their one remaining tooth.