By Chris Jochem
What do you do when there are no bonfires to jump over but you want to show your friends (or at least people you have not talked to in seven months) that you are having more fun than they are? Simple, send them a quick "I'm thinking of you" or "I love you" or "yuuors titts 34re sooo bigt" with instant messenger so that when they wakeup pathetically early to do laundry they will see your message and realize all the fun they missed.
So what if you have so far spent your lonely evening watching "I Love the 80s" and the first half of Dumb and Dumber for the 137th time, you can be the coolest kid on campus (I guarantee it) when people think that you have consumed excessive quantities of cheap alcohol. And here is the catch: no drinking required. You will feel great the next day and seem to be three times the man your friends are since there is no hangover. So fire up AIM and get ready to act drunk.
1. Introduction: It is important to start strong and catch your readers' attention to let them know what is coming.
fluffyKiTtY7609: HETTTTTTTT
You meant to say "Hey." Well if you did not stop after the first 'T' the next seven show that you are trashed. Good work.
2. Main Body: If you have not figured out yet that misspellings and keystroke errors are the name of the game, you probably need to put your beer down now - you are reading the wrong article.
Adding in numbers is also key, and forget where the backspace key is - you are not correcting any real errors. Remember: you are drunk. If you are having difficulties with this section, try this exercise: cross your right hand over your left and now try to type.
Here is where you let your creative, alcohol-laced juices flow. You can and should talk about random things. Try to be vulgar and add excessive swearing. And make sure you let them know that you have been drinking.
fluffyKiTtY7609: iM soo fuc9k,ng ttrashdd
Redundant? Yes, but remember: you are supposed to be wasted.
3. Conclusion: Contrary to the nonsense they try to teach in ENGL 12, you do not want a conclusion. In fact it would be better if you stopped in the middle of a sentence or even a word.
fluffyKiTtY7609: ashitt4 iio JUSTT Wanntt
Now your friend thinks that you either passed out from being too cool, or the party was at your place and you got called to go do a keg stand. Perfect.
Congratulations you cool kid; you will be the envy of your peers when you send a few IMs every night! Do not worry if your friends try and send you to AA. They are just jealous of all the fun you are having and how cool you are. Just remember that when they ask you what you were doing say "Man, I don't remember. It was total craziness." You might try shrugging your shoulders, too, to be more convincing.
Now that you have this knowledge, it is time for you to move to the next section in the Correspondence Course for Coolness, Chapter 7: the Drunk Cell Phone Dial. Good Luck.