By Manish Dayal
It seems that the magical school of Hogwarts wasn't magical enough to prevent the steroid scandal from striking. Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, reported that Harry Potter officially confessed to taking human growth hormone (hGH) while attending Hogwarts. A credible source at Hogwarts said that upon learning of Harry's confession Dumbledore sat down and muttered, "I can't believe Harry juiced up….I….I…I am at a loss for words. These lemondrops are my only solice now."
Most of the student body and faculty are still clueless as to why Potter was taking one of the most potent anabolic substances available. Some speculate that Potter's recent Quidditch game was far from stellar and he was taking the substance to give him an edge. Fellow classmate and school "asshole" Draco Malfoy claims that it was only matter of time before Potter got caught. "I mean he hangs out with Mudbloods, I knew that at some point he was going to resort to some type of steroids. I'm sure he got his friend Ron to inject him. I think they are gay, they just keep Hermione around them for show."
Potter held a press conference during which he vented his feeling of frustration. " I cannot believe that I am not going to allowed to play Quidditch because of this. This is complete crap. I am 16 years old, going through puberty, I don't have a girlfriend, and the most powerful evil wizard Voldemort is trying to kill me, and now I have to worry about this. Quidditch is the only thing in my life that allows me to relax. Guys, I did not take hGH to help me play Quidditch better, it's a fucking game. Every evil witch and wizard in this world wants to kill me, and I am a freaking five foot five skinny as kid. Right now an evil witch wouldn't even need magic to kill me, I'm sure she could kick my ass by herself. I get sore from just carrying my cauldron to class. I fucking hate this school. I'm leaving. And I am not gay."
Best friend and close buddy Ron Weasly was quoted as saying, "It's you guys that are making this worse than it is. You interviewers with your rumors and suggestions. I hope you get an Avada Kedevra spell set on you all."
Many are now wondering why Potter did not just use a magic spell. Speculation includes retardness from on too many bludger hits to the head.