By Briana L. Woods & Lauren Gardner
Since the opening of the Artic National Wildlife Refuge for oil drilling, universities across the country have followed suit - turning to their natural recreational areas in pursuit of even more cheap fuel.
As a result, university officials announced late yesterday that Coker Arboretum will be re-named Coca-Cola Arboretum, (a clever suggestion by the business school), will contain three oil rigs and a small oil refinery. A pipeline to South Campus is already under construction, and public saftey is requiring everyone to wear gas masks, as escaping fumes could be dangerous from as far away as half a mile. Public safety is also advising everyone to exercise additional caution in and around the area, and for god's sake, not to smoke or light bonfires in the Arboretum/Oil Field.
The company that is undertaking this venture, along with the university, assured the student body and faculty that the changes, though abrupt, will be easy to adjust to as the well-known Old Well will be symbolically replaced in our hearts by the new and more impressive Oil Wells.
Revenues will be used to manufacture giant dongs and cheap sports jerseys.
Pros:
-Cheap gas with OneCard
-Less pollen allergies
-More giant dongs for students
-10$ off tuition
- Classes in oil technology offered
Cons:
-Tanker trucks may obstruct traffic
-Drinking water may be contaminated
-Possibility of a sinkhole once reserve has been depleted
-Threat of warfare from other non oil-rich colleges.