By Doug Ornoff
AIM usage reached a new milestone last week when UNC student Shelby Cortez responded to a friend over instant messenger using the familiar phrase 'lol.' But Cortez did not, in fact, "laugh out loud."
Amelia Burdone, the friend with whom Cortez had been chatting, told BoUNCe that she was "absolutely crushed." Burdone recalls, "I'd been telling Shelby about this totally awesome buzz I'd gotten by mixing Captain Morgan's with this Mongolian green tea and a low-grade beaver tranquilizer. Shelby responded with "lol that's great!"
However, Cortez's roommate later reported to Burdone that Cortez really didn't laugh, nor even find it amusing. "I mean, what a way to stab someone in the back, to suggest that you're laughing but really aren't."
Various sociologists specializing in the AIM phenomenon have condemned Cortez's action, calling it "a high crime of the online world."
Cortez, however, does not realize the gravity of her mistake. "Look, I'll be honest. My mind just wasn't really on it. I had a huge Econ exam the next day, I'd just learned that my best friend once slept with my boyfriend and Nadia got kicked off American Idol. Seriously, I couldn't give a fuck that Amelia was totally blitzed, but I was trying to be polite."
AIM expert John Genodek responded, "I can understand Cortez's argument, and I think she's learned her lesson. But I also think that this is a wake-up call to America as to how many people there are out there typing 'lol' but not really laughing. I think we all need to take a good hard look at what we're typing and ask ourselves, "Do I really mean that?"
Genodek also commented that he would like to also stress the wildly growing epidemic of people who say "brb" but then are gone for, like, two hours.
German House Invades French House
By Chris Faulkenberry
War broke out on the fifth floor of Carmichael three days ago as German House infantry, led by German House Koördinätor Patrick Bradshaw emerged from their rooms, advancing on French House positions. First to fall was Room 542, which lay on the French/German House border and was home to French House Coordinator Jessica Krantz. "This early defeat was essential in demoralizing French House defending forces," stated Howard Kord, an expert on theme housing relations. "With one of their coordinators in German House hands, the French were already fighting from a very disadvantageous position."
Taking precautions after observing German participation in hte Spanish House Civil War that had occurred two weeks prior, French House Coordinator Adam Lloyd established the Lloyd Line, an "impenetrable" perimeter established to prevent German House intrusion. His fortification plan did not take into account German troop movements through the neutral sixth floor of Carmichael, allowing them access into their foes' territory.
"The Lloyd Line, I believe, will be remembered as one of the greatest blunders in dormitory military history," Kord theorized.
German House Koördinätors Patrick Bradshaw and Graham Pardun of the German House military forces claimed victory after the fall of Room 533, the capital of French House and home to Lloyd which fell after a courageous 3 and a half minute battle.ä Despite the quick surrender of French troops after hte conflict and the subsequent lack of casualties, the defeat puts the English-speaking houses at significant risk. Many researchers, including Kord, believe that a large-scale attack against those residence halls may be imminent.
The Koördinätors have divided their conquered foes into two provinces. The southern one, retaining the French House name, is ruled from Room 542 by Krantz and Lloyd, while the northern province, renamed Vichy French House, has had its captial moved to Room 544 and is under the hegemony of the newly appointed viceroy, Allyson Atwood. Neither head of province could be reached for comment at press time.
The Koördinätors released a statement that they intend to take no other military action now that the "French House threat" has been eliminated. Nearby residence halls, however, remain cautious.
Anthoney LaPaglia has fan
By Charles McKurault
An independent study conducted by US Weekly this month revealed that Anthoney LaPaglia, star of the hit CBS drama "Without a Trace", reportedly has a fan. That fan, revealed to be one Kathleen Ellen, is a taxidermist from Peoria, Illinois, who according to friends and family really likes Anthoney LaPaglia.
"I mean, he's just great," said Ellen. "He's Italian and he's Austrailian. What's not to love?"
According to Barry Jacobs, founder of P.A.L. (People Against LaPaglia), there's plenty not to love. "He's Australian and Italian. I mean, pick one, asshole!" said Jacobs.
Added Jacobs, "Cold Case is awesome."
Despite all these reasons, Ellen remains faithful to LaPaglia. "If it wasn't for LaPaglia, what would I watch on Thursdays? E.R.? Seriously, he's just a really great actor. He was so good in Empire Records and Analyze That. Plus, I heard he plays soccer."
Having a fan puts LaPaglia ahead of such stars as Mariah Carey and Chris O'Donnell. Yet, LaPaglia still has quite a while to go before he can catch up to others like Ben Affleck (5) or Paul Hogan (7).
