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The James Stephen Allred Issue
April 2007

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Fiery death teaches hard lesson on fire code

Nathan Fennell

In an enormous shock today that was exciting to scientists and terrifying to students, the question of spontaneous combustion was proven in a dorm room. “Apparently learning really does take place in college,” muttered a bitter old hag of a scientist. “I thought ever since the invention of beer they just cut that part out of the curriculum.” Sophomore John Brish, like many great scientists like George Washington and Confucius, discovered the phenomenon Fire Code Violation by accident when he entered a dorm room that already contained six students, thus causing an immediate fire hazard. “I just knew something like this was going to happen” quipped the study-elf next door. “They’re always trying these crazy shenanigans like coming in after midnight with guests on weeknights and violating quiet hours. One time…I even saw them bring a chair out of their room and into someone else’s for a while! Don’t they know that university property must remain in the dorm rooms at all times according to section 3-7B in the housing contract?!?!?”

The Board of Trustees is expected to weasel royalties out of the discovery.