The James Stephen Allred Issue
April 2007
- Preacher-formerly- known-as-Gary’s name officially changed
- Angelina Jolie’s child slave ring discovered
- A Convenient Truth: Beaches getting closer
- The Japanese invent everything
Do not leave your belongings unattended
Bitch, I’m trying to get this shit stolen!
Why am I hot? This is why:
- Glitter on my butt cleavage (60.3%)
- Faulty air-conditioner (4%)
- Grandma's Itchy Wool Sweater (18%)
- Cause I'm Fly (3%)
- Plastic Surgery (5%)
- The scalding Sun (10.7%)
April 2007 Articles
- Center Spread: Hobo House Party!
- How to spend the last ten days of your college life
- Fiery death teaches hard lesson on fire code
- “Weathermob” busted
- BoUNCe finds the truth behind on-campus environmental activism
- Savory shrimp sauce seduces
- Senior’s final article anticlimactic
- Want the perfect roommate? Create your own!
- Ask Alli
- Like working but not getting paid? Then get an internship!
- Stereotypes are gay and smell funny
- Daily Vanity: Your reliable source for SUPERHERO GOSSIP - #205
- Candidates clamor to showcase spouse’s ills in a full out battle for sympathy vote
- NCAA hoops, Aztec-style
- Reading lesson a “sex”-cess
- CA primaries cause debate, time travel
- Duke’s Next Top Karate Star premieres
- Suffragin' Succotash! Vegetables Get the Vote!
- BoUNCe Sells Out
After noticing John Edward’s spike in campaign contributions after his announcement of the return of his wife’s breast cancer, the other Democratic candidates have been rolling out their own bad news in hope for pity points.
Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill.) announced on Thursday that his wife’s long battle with alcohol had returned.
“It is very hard for me to announce this, but my wife has retreated back into the bottle,” Senator Obama said from his campaign headquarters in Chicago. “While I myself have always enjoyed a nice glass of gin and juice after dinner, the rigors of the campaign trail have weakened her will and she locked herself into a vintage bottle of ’64 Pinot Grigio. It is a great year I might add, tastes very well with a dinner of fried chicken and macaroni.”
When asked if this will affect his campaign ambitions, Obama responded “This tragedy deeply saddens my heart. But I must continue with this campaign. I have to do this for my people.”
The spokesmen for white and black people could not identify who exactly he was talking about.
Asked about his symptoms, Clinton responded, “Temporary blindness and hairy palms.”