The James Stephen Allred Issue
April 2007
- Preacher-formerly- known-as-Gary’s name officially changed
- Angelina Jolie’s child slave ring discovered
- A Convenient Truth: Beaches getting closer
- The Japanese invent everything
Do not leave your belongings unattended
Bitch, I’m trying to get this shit stolen!
Why am I hot? This is why:
- Glitter on my butt cleavage (60.3%)
- Faulty air-conditioner (4%)
- Grandma's Itchy Wool Sweater (18%)
- Cause I'm Fly (3%)
- Plastic Surgery (5%)
- The scalding Sun (10.7%)
April 2007 Articles
- Center Spread: Hobo House Party!
- How to spend the last ten days of your college life
- Fiery death teaches hard lesson on fire code
- “Weathermob” busted
- BoUNCe finds the truth behind on-campus environmental activism
- Savory shrimp sauce seduces
- Senior’s final article anticlimactic
- Want the perfect roommate? Create your own!
- Ask Alli
- Like working but not getting paid? Then get an internship!
- Stereotypes are gay and smell funny
- Daily Vanity: Your reliable source for SUPERHERO GOSSIP - #205
- Candidates clamor to showcase spouse’s ills in a full out battle for sympathy vote
- NCAA hoops, Aztec-style
- Reading lesson a “sex”-cess
- CA primaries cause debate, time travel
- Duke’s Next Top Karate Star premieres
- Suffragin' Succotash! Vegetables Get the Vote!
- Suffragin' Succotash! Vegetables Get the Vote!
- BoUNCe Sells Out
Another exciting NCAA tournament has just ended, but already there is much speculation about next year’s events, due in no small part to a surprise announcement concerning rule changes for the 2008 college playoffs.
“Overall, we strongly believe that this will make for a more exciting college basketball season,” said NCAA spokesman Ricky Sanders. “Studies show that teams will often perform to the very best of their ability when faced with imminent death. So look for some heated rivalry next year!”
According to Sanders, the members of the losing teams will be dispatched in an ancient ritual in which a high priest removes the still-beating hearts with an obsidian blade and offers the dripping organ to the sun god Huitzilopochtli. The winning team will simultaneously cut down the net, as usual.
UNC men’s basketball head coach Roy Williams was similarly optimistic about the forthcoming changes in college hoops.
“Initially, I was concerned,” said Coach Williams. “But then I realized that this may in fact be a very positive thing for the team. After all, it never hurts to keep the boys on their toes, and the thought of a horrible gruesome death should really help them pull together and win us another championship!”
Even the basketball players themselves expressed excitement about the issue.
“I can’t help but think this is a good thing,” said sophomore forward Tyler Hansbrough. “I mean, there’s already pressure on you when you step up to the free throw line. The thought of a masked man reaching his bloodstained fist into your open chest cavity and grabbing your heart won’t make that shot any easier.”
He cackled evilly.