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The James Stephen Allred Issue
April 2007

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Reading lesson a “sex”-cess

By Tommy Allen

In an effort to cut costs and warn children about the manifold dangers of sex still earlier, several Florida schools have chosen to combine their elementary reading programs with an even more aggressive sex education campaign. Millions of dollars have been spent on producing new books for the program, which have been hailed as a huge success. This is largely due to the collaboration of leading children’s authors and Gene Hahm, one of the nation’s top anatomical artists.

Of course, the program still has obstacles to overcome, though surprisingly, parents aren’t one of them.

Penis Goes Where?! No, the real problem is the teachers. Since most parents have never mentioned the birds-’n’-bees to their children, many of the initial test groups resounded with cries of “What’s going on in this picture, Mommy?” However, instead of embracing this opportunity, teachers have proven unwilling to analyze the content for their students. The teachers will consequently be assigned to attend an intensive training workshop where the birds and bees will be re-explained to them, using all the graphic metaphors and euphemisms necessary.

Luckily, even if the program fails, the school board is expected to make a killing off re-sales to all those bookstores with blacked-out windows.