Hot off the Press:
Current Issue Cover
The James Stephen Allred Issue
April 2007

newsbriefs
point/counterpoint
point
Do not leave your belongings unattended
counter
Bitch, I’m trying to get this shit stolen!
Pie Chart
Chart Image
Why am I hot? This is why:

  1. Glitter on my butt cleavage (60.3%)
  2. Faulty air-conditioner (4%)
  3. Grandma's Itchy Wool Sweater (18%)
  4. Cause I'm Fly (3%)
  5. Plastic Surgery (5%)
  6. The scalding Sun (10.7%)


CA primaries cause debate, time travel

By Tommy Allen

After hearing that California voted to change the scheduling of its primaries to gain importance in the initial stages of the 2008 presidential campaign, other state legislators are smacking their heads.

(As a side note, we here at BoUNCe feel that the smacking of congresspersons is an entirely acceptable approach to almost any problem whatsoever.)

However, the congresspersons in question were particularly upset that it had taken them something like 100 years to realize that they could actually pull such a trick to increase their state’s pre-campaign importance to the level of Iowa.

In the words of Byron Dorgan [D-ND]: “I mean seriously, Iowa has more cows than voters. No one cares about it until they have to look good for the cameras. Now by following California’s lead, we can give our great state of North Dakota the prestige it deserves in pre-campaign planning.”

The audience of three chickens, two heads of grain and one slightly lost tourist were reportedly highly energized by the statement.

Since this realization, state legislatures all over the nation have begun pushing back their primaries, with the unfortunate result that the 2008 presidential election is now scheduled for August 4, 2006. Many voters viewed this as a positive situation, since they hated or did not know most of the presidential hopefuls and were hoping for four years of no one in particular.

However, the national Congress, seeing an opportunity to look important (and use taxpayer funds for fact-finding trips to four-star New York hotels) quickly narrowed down their approach to the problem to two possible avenues of attack. One was to spend several billion dollars on a time machine program in hopes of sending all 142 million registered voters back to Summer ‘06; the other option, involving less total insanity, was simply to fix a primary schedule and force states to adhere to it. Being the less flashy option, the second plan was initially overlooked, until a committee finally determined that time travel did in fact violate several important laws of thermodynamics. However, the national Congress, seeing an opportunity to look important (and use taxpayer funds for fact-finding trips to four-star New York hotels) quickly narrowed down their approach to the problem to two possible avenues of attack. One was to spend several billion dollars on a time machine program in hopes of sending all 142 million registered voters back to Summer ‘06; the other option, involving less total insanity, was simply to fix a primary schedule and force states to adhere to it. Being the less flashy option, the second plan was initially overlooked, until a committee finally determined that time travel did in fact violate several important laws of thermodynamics.

In the end, a workable solution was developed, and will be implemented sometime around 2025, barring any unforeseen bureaucracy. Meanwhile, the American people have gone back to deciding if they actually want to cast a vote anyway, and everyone had a good laugh, at least until they found out what their tax rebate is going to look like this year.