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Duke’s Next Top Karate Star premieres

By John Ealy

Gerald Henderson’s lunging elbow that sent Chapel Hill into complete anguish and dismay has given a certain Duke University athletic team a glimmer of hope. The struggling Duke karate team examined the horrific, malicious elbow multiple times and decided to subsequently offer Henderson a scholarship. The team, like a certain Duke athletic team that shall remain nameless in this article, has compiled losses at an exponential rate since its inception.

“The coaches were planning a trip to West Durham for walk-on tryouts,” commented a Duke karate sensei. “Little did I know that a bevy of karate potential existed on other Duke athletic teams. Henderson’s elbow elegantly embodied the proper technique and skill that translates into a successful Division I karate champion.”

The anonymous coach further noted, “He’s got what it takes to transform our abominable program into a perennial powerhouse. Hopefully, Coach Mike Krzyzewski can realize and nurture such innate athleticism and skill sets by playing him more often on the basketball court to continue perfecting his elbow on other All-American players.”

The Henderson A Duke karate master demonstrates “The Gerald,” a technique developed in the style of Henderson’s brutal attack on UNC forward Tyler Hansbrough. “If his maturation as a karate student continues at this rate, I’ll have to get Mike’s permission to allow Henderson to practice more advanced karate techniques, such as the drop kick, throughout the regular season.”

The coach may have his wish sooner rather than later. Multiple sources within the Duke basketball community mentioned Henderson’s growing disinterest in basketball.

“A few of the karate personnel have already conferred with the basketball department about Henderson. The basketball sources told the coaches that Henderson dropped a course this semester for eligibility purposes. It was titled ‘Basketball Etiquette.’ Glad he dropped it to enroll in karate training to complete the physical education requirement for graduation.”

“I mean, I don’t even like Draco Malfoy,” continued Mr. Weasley, referring to the seventh-year Slytherin. “So why the hell would I try and seduce him with the Nine Forbidden Spells of Erotic Attachment while wearing black leather robes and—“

“I’m sorry, I really can’t continue reading this,” Mr. Weasley said, laying aside the document. “My point is that pottergirl_4383 obviously is making false charges.”

Even the usually-incorruptible Hogwarts faculty has not emerged unscathed from the scandal.

“It’s true that I have been spending a great deal of attention on Miss Hermione Granger these past few months,” commented Headmistress Minerva McGonagall. “However, I have simply been mentoring her on her many post-graduate options and career choices. The notion of us doing anything else is... Well, tasteless, to say the least.”

Mr. Potter was unavailable for comment, as was Mr. Malfoy. Dementora_1989 put two and two together and promptly wrote a story titled “Scarlet and Silver,” which involved every single solitary broomstick euphemism ever conceived