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April 2007

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Suffragin’ Succotash! Vegetables get the vote!

By Gannon Hubbard

The Senate ratified the Stop the Oppression of Our Foodstuffs Bill on Tuesday, paving the way for the thirtieth constitutional amendment. The bill was heavily lobbied by the Vegetable Advocacy Group, professing a common interest in “bringing an end to the oppression of our vegetable friends supported by the cruel and profiteering agricultural establishment.”

VAG: The Vegetable Advocacy Group Opposition to the bill was fierce, with dissenters insisting that vegetables had no capacity for reasoning. “It’s true!” said an exasperated grocer faced with slumping produce sales. “If you kick a tomato, it doesn’t cry out in pain. It just sits there, waiting for something to eat it!”

A nearby tomato declined to comment. Shortly afterwards, it was sliced in preparation for a salad. We attempted to interview a head of broccoli, but it suffered a similar fate.

“This is the sort of thing we’re fighting against,” cried Zack Parsons, noted vegetable advocate. “These are benign beings! That tomato never asked to be part of a salad! THAT BROCCOLI NEVER ASKED TO BE STEAMED!” Vegetable advocates are mostly saprovores, meaning they opt out of killing their food and instead eat only the most naturally dead and/or rotten organic matter. This results in a considerable lack of crisp, fresh salads and a diet more resembling that of a landfill or a Mr Fusion.

Saps and other members of VAG have rocketed into the spotlight recently, having recently pushed several critical pieces of legislation through Congress by citing man’s 12,000 years of vegetable oppression and slavery. These include two other recently-passed constitutional amendments, the twenty-eighth and -ninth, which prohibit Congress from “subsidizing vegetable slaughterhouses” and reserve the former state of Wyoming for “vegetable re-settlement,” respectively.

VAG’s rival lobbyists, the Fruit Advocacy Group, had this comment: “Those bottom-feeders best watch it next time they roll through the Grove. Tomatoes are our turf, and they know it!” The lobbies have been entrenched in skirmishes surrounding tomato farms across the country, with both groups claiming dominion. The federal government has stepped in on the dispute, and has earmarked millions of dollars in research funds for scientists to determine if a tomato does, in fact, have seeds.