The James Stephen Allred Issue
April 2007
- Preacher-formerly- known-as-Gary’s name officially changed
- Angelina Jolie’s child slave ring discovered
- A Convenient Truth: Beaches getting closer
- The Japanese invent everything
Do not leave your belongings unattended
Bitch, I’m trying to get this shit stolen!
Why am I hot? This is why:
- Glitter on my butt cleavage (60.3%)
- Faulty air-conditioner (4%)
- Grandma's Itchy Wool Sweater (18%)
- Cause I'm Fly (3%)
- Plastic Surgery (5%)
- The scalding Sun (10.7%)
April 2007 Articles
- Center Spread: Hobo House Party!
- How to spend the last ten days of your college life
- Fiery death teaches hard lesson on fire code
- “Weathermob” busted
- BoUNCe finds the truth behind on-campus environmental activism
- Savory shrimp sauce seduces
- Senior’s final article anticlimactic
- Want the perfect roommate? Create your own!
- Ask Alli
- Like working but not getting paid? Then get an internship!
- Stereotypes are gay and smell funny
- Daily Vanity: Your reliable source for SUPERHERO GOSSIP - #205
- Candidates clamor to showcase spouse’s ills in a full out battle for sympathy vote
- NCAA hoops, Aztec-style
- Reading lesson a “sex”-cess
- CA primaries cause debate, time travel
- Duke’s Next Top Karate Star premieres
- Suffragin' Succotash! Vegetables Get the Vote!
- BoUNCe Sells Out
The FBI busted the notorious Thunderhead gambling ring in Portland, Oregon, last week, bringing to a close an era of violence and shady dealings never before seen in the meteorology field.
The ring revolved around high-stakes wagers on meteorological predictions. “It was short-lived but nasty,” said Agent Chris Pellick, leader of the FBI’s gambling task force. “Things like barometric pressure, wind speed, dew point, cloud coverage,” explained Pellick. “Real unpredictable stuff.”
One shaken meteorologist under witness protection, known only by his gambling alias Cloud Condensation, described his own involvement.
“I got involved, originally, through a friend of mine. I was like, ‘I’m tired of betting on things like horses and fat guys eating hot dogs. I need something new. I need something badass.’ And he said to me, ‘You want badass? Try some barometric pressures. That’s some real-ass shit.’ He was killed when he couldn’t pay his debts after a cloud-height bet gone wrong.”
Mr. Condensation insists that the ringleader, Jack “The Rainmaker” Humphreys, killed his friend with a shovel before being apprehended the next day. “One thing doesn’t add up,” the anonymous forecaster says. “What kind of weatherman kills with a shovel? It’s like a miner killing someone with a hot-air balloon. I’m beginning to think that Jack wasn’t even AMS-accredited.”
In a brief statement, Senator Rogerson (D-WA) said, “The entire country can now breathe a sigh of relief that Humphreys and his low, dirty front have fizzled, and that their rain of terror is over.”