The James Stephen Allred Issue
April 2007
- Preacher-formerly- known-as-Gary’s name officially changed
- Angelina Jolie’s child slave ring discovered
- A Convenient Truth: Beaches getting closer
- The Japanese invent everything
Do not leave your belongings unattended
Bitch, I’m trying to get this shit stolen!
Why am I hot? This is why:
- Glitter on my butt cleavage (60.3%)
- Faulty air-conditioner (4%)
- Grandma's Itchy Wool Sweater (18%)
- Cause I'm Fly (3%)
- Plastic Surgery (5%)
- The scalding Sun (10.7%)
April 2007 Articles
- Center Spread: Hobo House Party!
- How to spend the last ten days of your college life
- Fiery death teaches hard lesson on fire code
- “Weathermob” busted
- BoUNCe finds the truth behind on-campus environmental activism
- Savory shrimp sauce seduces
- Senior’s final article anticlimactic
- Want the perfect roommate? Create your own!
- Ask Alli
- Like working but not getting paid? Then get an internship!
- Stereotypes are gay and smell funny
- Daily Vanity: Your reliable source for SUPERHERO GOSSIP - #205
- Candidates clamor to showcase spouse’s ills in a full out battle for sympathy vote
- NCAA hoops, Aztec-style
- Reading lesson a “sex”-cess
- CA primaries cause debate, time travel
- Duke’s Next Top Karate Star premieres
- Suffragin' Succotash! Vegetables Get the Vote!
- BoUNCe Sells Out
*Names of individuals have been changed to protect the individuals.*
Like a ninja stealthily slinking through the night, a troubling new addiction is rapidly spreading across the UNC campus, claiming innocent lives with neither remorse nor hesitation. Perhaps you or someone you know has already been touched by the devastating impact of the tasty pinkish liquid from Sakura Japanese take-out, known on the street as “shrimp sauce.”
“You know, I really don’t even know what this stuff is, but it’s sooooooooo good,” said sophomore Lindsey Miller, filling several take-out containers with her drug of choice. Her boyfriend, senior Andrew Hershe, agreed:
“The shrimp sauce is awesome. I like to put it on Chinese leftovers later in the week,” said Hershe, in a chilling testament to the growing number of casual shrimp sauce users.
One issue that has stymied substance-control personnel in their pursuit of the contraband sauce distribution centers (SDCs) is the flexible street lexicon that abusers use to identify their poison-of-choice. Terms that are currently known to officials include “Da Sawss,” “Chinese Mayonnaise,” “Schutzstaffel,” “Le Pink Prawn,” and “Ponyblood”.
Campus health officials are becoming increasingly concerned about the prevalence of shrimp sauce use.
“What’s disturbing is that many students are entirely unaware of the detrimental effects of the drug,” commented Dr. Marianne Jenks, physician at UNC Hospitals. “Although the sauce provides a temporary high of unparalleled yumminess, the body simply can’t handle that sort of intensity. To make matters worse, the user is just going to be hungry again in an hour; a fact which leads heavy shrimp sauce users into a downward spiral of deliciousness.”
A sauce rehab clinic has already opened at Quiznos, but for many caught in the tragic web of addiction, it may indeed be too late.
“I know I should stop. I want to stop,” sobbed junior Steve White in between mouthfuls of shrimp sauce and chicken teriyaki. “But it’s so damn good!”