The James Stephen Allred Issue
April 2007
- Preacher-formerly- known-as-Gary’s name officially changed
- Angelina Jolie’s child slave ring discovered
- A Convenient Truth: Beaches getting closer
- The Japanese invent everything
Do not leave your belongings unattended
Bitch, I’m trying to get this shit stolen!
Why am I hot? This is why:
- Glitter on my butt cleavage (60.3%)
- Faulty air-conditioner (4%)
- Grandma's Itchy Wool Sweater (18%)
- Cause I'm Fly (3%)
- Plastic Surgery (5%)
- The scalding Sun (10.7%)
April 2007 Articles
- Center Spread: Hobo House Party!
- How to spend the last ten days of your college life
- Fiery death teaches hard lesson on fire code
- “Weathermob” busted
- BoUNCe finds the truth behind on-campus environmental activism
- Savory shrimp sauce seduces
- Senior’s final article anticlimactic
- Want the perfect roommate? Create your own!
- Ask Alli
- Like working but not getting paid? Then get an internship!
- Stereotypes are gay and smell funny
- Daily Vanity: Your reliable source for SUPERHERO GOSSIP - #205
- Candidates clamor to showcase spouse’s ills in a full out battle for sympathy vote
- NCAA hoops, Aztec-style
- Reading lesson a “sex”-cess
- CA primaries cause debate, time travel
- Duke’s Next Top Karate Star premieres
- Suffragin' Succotash! Vegetables Get the Vote!
- BoUNCe Sells Out
On March 27, Senior BoUNCe Staff Writer Chris Faulkenberry submitted what would be his last article as a student at UNC. Known in the past for his clever geek humor and witty takes on current issues, Faulkenberry was expected to compose a swan song fitting of his illustrious career, a capstone to his BoUNCe portfolio. Instead, what he submitted was met with mild acknowledgement, at best.
“It was just a cheesy gimmick piece,” said Clayton Margeson, Editor-in-Chief, when asked about the article. “It was uninspired, far too similar to a lot of articles we’ve published in the past.” Head Writer Sarah Hodges noted, “When Chris used to send me articles to look over, I thought they were perfect just they way they were. They were hilarious! Now his articles are filled with underlying comments about how awesome he is and everybody loves him. Which is true, but not funny.”
Margeson went on to comment on the downward trend in the quality of Faulkenberry’s work over the past year. “Even the stuff he says when we’re just hanging out isn’t funny anymore,” he added, “and frankly, I think he’s losing his touch.”
The handsome and personable Faulkenberry could not be reached for comment and has likely retreated into seclusion or obscurity, speculators say. “Like a star basketball player poised for greatness, he blew the winning shot of the championship game,” said former Online Editor Chrissy Siena, “I mean, who tries to combine self-deprecation with self-aggrandizement in the same article? And to think, he had so much potential.” It remains uncertain why the BoUNCe staff published the article, but the most probable cause is pity. “We just wanted to give him something to go out on, even if it was about as funny as ‘Schindler’s List,’” stated Margeson when interviewed. “If you noticed, the April issue of BoUNCe actually came out on April 1st, without [Faulkenberry’s] article in it, I had to recall all of the issues because [Faulkenberry] broke down in tears. I had to play it off as an elaborate April Fool’s day joke and fire all of our editors for taking his article out.”
Managing Editor Andy Jones was surprised at the sudden loss of his job, and stated, “We took it out because it sucked. He doesn’t deserve the pity.” However, he later added, “And also, I want to give [Faulkenberry] twenty dollars.”