The James Stephen Allred Issue
April 2007
- Preacher-formerly- known-as-Gary’s name officially changed
- Angelina Jolie’s child slave ring discovered
- A Convenient Truth: Beaches getting closer
- The Japanese invent everything
Do not leave your belongings unattended
Bitch, I’m trying to get this shit stolen!
Why am I hot? This is why:
- Glitter on my butt cleavage (60.3%)
- Faulty air-conditioner (4%)
- Grandma's Itchy Wool Sweater (18%)
- Cause I'm Fly (3%)
- Plastic Surgery (5%)
- The scalding Sun (10.7%)
April 2007 Articles
- Center Spread: Hobo House Party!
- How to spend the last ten days of your college life
- Fiery death teaches hard lesson on fire code
- “Weathermob” busted
- BoUNCe finds the truth behind on-campus environmental activism
- Savory shrimp sauce seduces
- Senior’s final article anticlimactic
- Want the perfect roommate? Create your own!
- Ask Alli
- Like working but not getting paid? Then get an internship!
- Stereotypes are gay and smell funny
- Daily Vanity: Your reliable source for SUPERHERO GOSSIP - #205
- Candidates clamor to showcase spouse’s ills in a full out battle for sympathy vote
- NCAA hoops, Aztec-style
- Reading lesson a “sex”-cess
- CA primaries cause debate, time travel
- Duke’s Next Top Karate Star premieres
- Suffragin' Succotash! Vegetables Get the Vote!
- BoUNCe Sells Out
Having drawn a positive response from its new Roommate Finder system, the UNC Department of Housing has gone one step further and created the “Bio-Roommate” program. This new option, which allows students to genetically construct the ideal roommate, will be unveiled late next week, just in time for those still seeking a cohabitant for next year.
“This is obviously a terrific idea,” gushed Department of Housing staffer Mary Anders. “What student hasn’t ever felt the urge to garrote his or her roommate with their bare hands? Well, Bio-Roommate effectively eliminates this problem for once and for all!”
Initial response has been quite enthusiastic for the procedure.
“This is fun,” said rising sophomore Carrie Yu, one of the student testers for the Bio-Roommate software, busy manipulating her future roommate’s DNA on her computer. “I really want a roommate who’s less pretty than me. . .maybe a bad complexion. . . .but a size four too, so we can swap clothes.”
“I think I’ll call her ‘Samantha’,” Yu added.
According to the procedure outlined on the DOH’s website, once a student constructs a Bio-Roommate, said roommate will be delivered in the form of a small pellet, which will sprout into a person when immersed in water. Most new roommates are delivered in two to four weeks , although Asians are delivered sooner.
“We actually dont have to create any Asians. We simply travel to an undisclosed location in China and pick whichever little kid we want. Its cheaper that way,” Anders said.
Although most feel that Bio-Roommate is a nifty idea, some see the potential for abuse of the system, including the potential to promote racism and homophobia. Indeed, such concerns arose during testing.
“I’m pretty conservative and deeply Baptist, so I just do not feel comfortable having a gay roommate,” said sophomore Connor Wilke, selecting his Bio-Roommate’s physical features. “Needless to say, I’ve already selected similar political and religious views. Now, maybe just to finish up with green eyes. . . .a slim waist, nice broad shoulders. . . . . .wait. . . . . .”
Bio-Roommates will be available online with a deposit of $500. All deposits are nonrefundable.