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April 2007

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Like working but not getting paid? Then get an internship!

By Helen Thomas

So, you want an internship this summer. Or rather, you realized while talking to your mom last week that you better get one pretty quick since your bedroom has been converted into a studio for your parents’ midlife crises (painting and nude modeling respectively) and you brother had his internship lined up by January and why can’t you be more like him anyway? Not to worry – your procrastination can be remedied with this simple guide.

Step 1: Your Résumé

  • Your work experience, abilities, and future career path may have absolutely nothing to do with, and be completely inadequate for, a potential job, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it. Use these conversions to turn your experiences into marketable skills.
  • Your 1.3 GPA magically turns into: You believe that quantitative measures of knowledge are obsolete
  • Spent your weekends learning to totally shred the “Free Bird” on Guitar Hero 2 turns into: Instead of a paying job, you use spare time to promote the arts on campus
  • You were arrested for possession and soliciting prostitution from undercover cop turns into: Over 100 hours of community service!
  • Your family is in the Czech mafia turns into: The Sopranos was based on the history of your family.

Step 2: Choose a job.
You spent last summer doing pretty much nothing in different locations, and having the same boring conversation over and over again with the same people. With this experience, you may want to consider a job in the package delivery service or telemarketing trade. But why should you limit yourself? Go ahead and shoot for your dream job. Walk right into MGM Studios or Trump Tower, and demand to speak to the CEO. They’ll admire your boldness, and being escorted out by security is just a test of your determination.

Step 3: The Interview.
After your resume is reviewed and probably framed by your future employer, they’ll have you in to chat before officially offering you the job. This “interview” is really just a formality, to see how well you fit in around the office. Therefore, it’s a good idea to treat these future coworkers like your buddies, or- even better- family. Greet your boss with a lingering hug, or even a peck on the cheek. Get up a game of laser-pointer tag with the boys from accounting, and give middle management a swift round of wedgies. They’ll love how you promote camaraderie in the workplace, and understand that to you, love means never having to say you’ll work weekends.

With these simple tips, you should be able to land the internship of your dreams. And you might want to start thinking about next summer too, since by then your room will probably be a shrine to your brother. The most important thing to remember is this: a job truly worth having should not feel like work. If it starts to, quit immediately. That’s the only way to get ahead.