The James Stephen Allred Issue
April 2007
- Preacher-formerly- known-as-Gary’s name officially changed
- Angelina Jolie’s child slave ring discovered
- A Convenient Truth: Beaches getting closer
- The Japanese invent everything
Do not leave your belongings unattended
Bitch, I’m trying to get this shit stolen!
Why am I hot? This is why:
- Glitter on my butt cleavage (60.3%)
- Faulty air-conditioner (4%)
- Grandma's Itchy Wool Sweater (18%)
- Cause I'm Fly (3%)
- Plastic Surgery (5%)
- The scalding Sun (10.7%)
April 2007 Articles
- Center Spread: Hobo House Party!
- How to spend the last ten days of your college life
- Fiery death teaches hard lesson on fire code
- “Weathermob” busted
- BoUNCe finds the truth behind on-campus environmental activism
- Savory shrimp sauce seduces
- Senior’s final article anticlimactic
- Want the perfect roommate? Create your own!
- Ask Alli
- Like working but not getting paid? Then get an internship!
- Stereotypes are gay and smell funny
- Daily Vanity: Your reliable source for SUPERHERO GOSSIP - #205
- Candidates clamor to showcase spouse’s ills in a full out battle for sympathy vote
- NCAA hoops, Aztec-style
- Reading lesson a “sex”-cess
- CA primaries cause debate, time travel
- Duke’s Next Top Karate Star premieres
- Suffragin' Succotash! Vegetables Get the Vote!
- BoUNCe Sells Out
Some background on the cover: The Evil Speaker Luke Farley introduced legislation to Student Congress called the Cap Act, intending to severely limit the funding of Noble Mouthpiece of the Voiceless and Vehicle of Democracy BoUNCe Magazine, among other publications, forcing us to compromise our mission of producing 16 pages of unadulterated satire and selling ad space (see back page). However, Valiant Student Body President James Allred, supported by Dauntless Student Body President-Elect Eve Carson, thwarted Farley’s vile efforts with his mighty Veto, citing that said nefarious legislation would limit the production of two of the best and most loved student publications and also give the editors of the Carolina Review more free time to kill babies and proselytize about the free market. And nobody wants that.
Dogwoods. The smell of spring, not unlike that of female genitalia.
Spring has come and gone, and then returned again, just in time to mock you graduating seniors leaving this Elysian retreat with one last week of weather warm enough to cause half the student body to walk around with half its student clothes on before sending you on your way to some depressing Northern city where the dress code is always business professional, it rains all the time, and the plural form of “you” is almost as sexist as this sentence. Lucky for y’all, yous guys still have 12 pages of this magazine left to read before you have to start learning a hobby to help you survive the monotony of those imminent long, frigid, sexless Northern nights. And, always the obliging magazine, boUNCe has got all kinds of tips for helping you on your way. On page 7, we’ve got an example of a correct usage of the word “putz,” and on page 10, we’ll let you in on the easy way to land that perfect internship. If you are among the more fortunate remaining with us in Chapel Hill, don’t worry; we haven’t forgotten about you. We’ve ventured out into the seedy underbelly of this town to bring you the insight you have come to expect from these pages, such as the origin of those nettlesome, clipboard-toting, donation-seeking environmentalists, as well as the more unpleasant effects of Sakura shrimp sauce addiction. And, like always, we’ve got a whole bunch of random shit, too.