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The James Stephen Allred Issue
April 2007

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point/counterpoint
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Do not leave your belongings unattended
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Bitch, I’m trying to get this shit stolen!
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Why am I hot? This is why:

  1. Glitter on my butt cleavage (60.3%)
  2. Faulty air-conditioner (4%)
  3. Grandma's Itchy Wool Sweater (18%)
  4. Cause I'm Fly (3%)
  5. Plastic Surgery (5%)
  6. The scalding Sun (10.7%)


Newsbriefs
Preacher-formerly-known-as-Gary’s name officially changed

Will Niver

Gary the Just-Oustside-the-Pit Preacher changed his name over the weekend to beat a ruling that he not step foot into the Pit for two years. His name is now †, a symbol with no pronunciation that represents what his struggle is about.

“The Word of God knows no trespassing ordinances,” † angrily spat through clenched teeth at high school tour groups, causing them to quickly reconsider Wake Forest. “I’m going to keep preaching the word of God up and down this modern-day Sodom until the final Judgment, when the righteous shall be exalted and the evil of the earth punished in the fiery depths of Hell.”

Not everyone is convinced of the legality of †’s move, however. Greg Vandeven, a first-year law student, said his professor hadn’t covered that chapter yet but that it sounded suspicious. “I’m pretty sure that’s not how the law works,” he said. “I’d be surprised if anyone has ever gotten away with this before.”

But in the meantime, † continues to preach despite the injunction. Students have generally welcomed him back with open arms, saying no week is truly complete until you’ve been condemned to Hell for wearing pants or sporting some long hair.

Angelina Jolie’s child slave ring discovered

Will Niver

The philanthropic megastar Angelina Jolie shocked fans with the admission that her fourth adoption was simply an addition to her private stock of child slaves. The newcomer, three-year-old Pham Quang Sang, was found Sunday in Jolie’s basement picking rice.

Quang Sang joined five-year-old Maddox from Cambodia and two-year-old Zahara from Ethiopia, all working in fields best suited to their respective countries. Courts have deemed their tasks “slave labor.”

“Just when you think you know someone,” said better half Brad Pitt, “they go on a slave shopping spree.”

Cambodian officials have insisted that Maddox still stay in Los Angeles, contending that the adopted girl’s life as a slave in Jolie’s basement is still more luxurious than anything their country could offer.

Ethiopian officials could not be reached at press time, as they were pre-occupied with the latest in a millennium-long series of invasions into Somalia.

A Convenient Truth: Beaches getting closer

Will Niver

Optimistic scientists countered global warming Chicken Littles with a stunning announcement: the beaches are getting closer. No longer will Chapel Hill residents have to drive hours and hours simply to take a dip in the Atlantic. Within a matter of years, the scientists report, Chapel Hill may be a mere stone’s throw from the coast, welcome news to local beach-goers.

“I’m really stoked,” said one surfer, eager to hit the waves somewhere over Wake County. “I pretty much quit surfing when I came to school since it’s such a hassle to drive all the way to Cape Hatteras. Soon I’ll just go down the street!”

The news also perked the ears of several real estate developers, who are busy gobbling up beach-front property in such buzzing locales as Hillsborough Bay. “For us, it’s just about being optimistic,” one Raleigh resident said. “I’m going to open up a seafood restaurant, you know, maybe one of those Sea-Doo rentals. Looking into getting one of those ice cream stands you hitch on the back of a bike. Just the tip of the iceberg, really.” He added that this particular iceberg hosted a family of drowning, cannibalistic polar bears and was quickly disappearing.

Not everyone welcomes the news, however. Specifically, residents of every town east of Raleigh greet the report with unease. “You mean, we’ll all be underwater?” asked one farmer near Elizabeth City. “Like Atlantis?”

This revelation led to a day-long celebration in Elizabeth City herself, where cows were fitted with snorkels and paraded through the city. Optimistically, Bradley FitzMatherson, the mayor of Elizabeth City, remarked to the crowd, “We’ve brought in plastic surgeons, who are already preparing a plan on how they might give the children gills.

The scientists cautioned, however, that the reports were based primarily on hours playing with Google Earth and what they could remember from Waterworld. One scientist said, “I wouldn’t go buy extra floaties just yet.”

The Japanese invent everything

Gannon Hubbard

With the invention of a combination goldfish tank and deep fat fryer last month, the Japanese officially have invented everything. “There is nothing left. Everyone can go home now,” said the head of the U.S. Patent Office, Charles Goldberg.

Things had been looking increasingly desperate for American inventors in the last decade, after the Japanese had discovered perpetual motion three years ago and, in an unexpected turn of events, the 500-person orgy only last fall. Perpetual motion remains a closely-guarded secret of the Japanese government, but footage from the orgy was released to the public rather quickly.

“It sounded like a flock of seagulls,” said Goldberg. “And really, it was just an elaboration on an American idea anyway. The 300-Man Twister Game is just like that, but without all the naked people. And the warehouse. And the seagull noises. But not the sex. That’s still there.”

The goldfish tank and deep fryer, said the Japanese press release, is “a fitting and honorable tribute to the great Japanese traditions of convenient combination gadgets and, naturally, batshit innovation. We are pleased to humble ourselves at the feet of its illustrious creator. Hail.”

The last patent to be filed at the U.S. Patent Office, number 7,317,894, is titled “Egg and Milk Minder,” and is a program that tells you when you should buy more eggs or milk, depending on your current egg and milk levels.

“It’s kind of like your friends throwing a 90th birthday party, but instead of a Playboy bunny popping out of the cake, it’s your great aunt Helga, reanimated with frosting and egg whites,” said Goldberg. “We’re currently trying to get it renamed to something a little more exciting and fitting for a final patent. Something like ‘Program Zero’ or even ‘The Final Countdown.’ Is that taken?”