Do not leave your belongings unattended
By UNC Librarian
Please do not leave your belongings unattended! There are thieves roaming the halls of the campus libraries. They have a network of tunnels that connect Davis, the UL, and Wilson. They travel in packs or singly and could easily be mistaken for a gaggle of sorority girls or a lonely graduate student. You can never spot a thief. That guy at the computer could be sending messages to his cohorts in the vents, waiting for you to get up for a sip of water so he can send the signal to pounce. That vulnerable-looking freshman girl could be a pawn to draw your attention away from your laptop. The feeling in your bladder could be an agent of thieves aiming to make you leave your book bag unattended.
You can’t be too careful. Never lose sight of your belongings!
Bitch, I’m trying to get this shit stolen!
By UNC Senior
Do you realize how much ass my laptop sucks? Whenever I do more than one thing at once, it goes click-click-click-click and the little green cylinder with an arrow pointing at it starts flickering and the screen freezes and all the color goes out of the boxes I’m moving. It takes forty-five minutes to open Firefox. I can’t even use it to take notes during class because the battery won’t even last the whole time. I couldn’t give a shit if someone stole it. In fact, I would be fucking ecstatic. That insurance policy that doesn’t cover dead batteries or fucked up keyboards apparently does cover theft. I’d love one of those laptops that I see the freshmen with that weigh three ounces and have fingerprint scanners and the huge screens and the dual core processors.
