By Doug Ornoff
Apple has recently begun marketing a bold new series of iPod accessories for the holidays. Among the many new inventions is the iNerve, a device that allows hands-free control of the iPod by wiring it into a person's central nervous system.
"It all started after we heard that one of our colleagues had been killed in a freak lightning strike and that the iPod in his pocket had been fused into him," an Apple scientist said. "We were really sad at first, but then someone got the idea, 'How sweet would it be if we could all meld iPods into our spinal cord?'"
The result was the iNerve, and sales have already reached record levels. Physicians, in particular, have been very eager to purchase the device for the hands-free ease it offers. Dr. John Calhoun, a Chicago cardiologist, expressed how helpful the iNerve was while performing surgery. "It gets really distracting, trying to make sure my patient doesn't go comatose while I'm trying to switch to Dave Matthews Band. With the iNerve, things are so much easier." The success of the iNerve prompted a blitzkrieg of efforts in the iPod division to continue the success.
One suggestion came from Stacy McBride, an Olympic hopeful in the marathon. "I get so tired having to constantly hold onto my iPod when I'm running, and those arm bands chafe me so." Apple responded by introducing a kit in which a person could graft their iPod into their skin. "The iSkin has had a lot of success," reports Jesse Blackwood, an Apple marketing manager. "We never knew that so many people find difficulty in actually holding the iPod."
A favorite among the multi-lingual population is a language translator. Origin plans were for a program to translate the title tags to foreign songs, but Apple went all-out. "This is for those times when you absolutely must hear what Hansen sounds like in Portuguese pig-latin," Blackwood commented.
Military scientists recently teamed up with Apple to create a new device specially designed for American soldiers. One Apple advertisement raved, "First we had the A-bomb, then the H-bomb, and we're continuing down the alphabet with the iBomb, a music platform coupled to a small nuclear charge. Never before has the US Armed Forces been able to combine the melodies of Mozart with nuclear demolition."
Nor has the health profession been left out of the madness. Apple's most expensive new combo is the iFilter, allowing easy music management while doubling as a portable dialysis machine. "There once was a time when end-stage renal failure was considered bad," said one patient, "Now, I feel like a kid again."
Another success was the iStealth, an iPod designed to be inserted into a body orifice so that music could be enjoyed without social awkwardness. When reports flooded in that people were using the iStealth during sexual intercourse, however, Apple knew it'd struck gold.
That led to the development of the iLdo, iPod's version of a dildo. One Apple employee explained, "We built an iPod in the shape of a dildo and inserted a small subwoofer into the tip. While the guy listens to a round of bass-heavy Flogging Molly, the female reaches climax. It's fun for the whole family."
Apple's success with these new accessories is prompting even more development. "At present, we're trying to combine iPod technology with toothbrushes and cardiac pacemakers," Blackwood said, "that, and we're designing an iPod for use by Paris Hilton's poodle."