New Flu Pandemic Poses Threat
By Haw Cheng

A shot of the nerd flu up close. Note the pocket protectors.

Researchers have discovered a deadly new strain of flu which could engulf the world in a deadly pandemic. Dubbed "nerd flu" by researchers, symptoms of the new illness include coughing, fever, a complete loss of social skills and fashion sense, profuse snorting, and a sudden interest in physics.

Previously, the illness has remained confined to those who naturally possess many of its symptoms (i.e. nerds), but the recent discovery of several cases in normal humans has prompted fears that it is spreading to the general population. "What do you mean normal humans?" said an interviewee who wished to remain anonymous. "We are normal."

"You ain't normal!" interjected a big, tough bystander. The bystander then pushed the anonymous nerd to the ground and took his lunch money. The nerd started crying.

Dr. Cassi Yeates, a nerd flu researcher at Stanford University, says, "Yes, being beaten up and then crying is a frequent symptom of the nerd flu."

The ease with which nerds move between geographic locations makes stopping the disease extremely difficult, say experts. "Nerd migrations are a huge problem. Say you have a Star Trek Convention in town," says Dr. Yu Chen of the Centers for Disease Control (CDC). "Your city had might as well kiss its butt good-bye. If it can even kiss anything anymore."

Health authorities have issued assurances that all necessary measures are being taken to prevent a flu pandemic like the one that killed millions in 1918.

"We're monitoring all high risk populations," says Dr. Julie Geberding, director of the CDC. "Engineers, physicists, Japanese animation fans, Trekkies, and so forth."

Such measures have prompted protests from civil libertarians and nerd rights activitsts.

"This is just racial profiling applied to nerds," says Anne Kuresh of the ACLU.

Dr. Geberding responds, "These are nerds. Nobody cared about their feelings in high school, why should now be any different?"

In spite of the controversial measures, experts are still pessimistic about the chances of preventing a mass outbreak.

"I've seen zombie movies, and nerd flue is exactly the same," Dr. Rajarshi Singh, director of the Nerd Flu Task Force of the World Health Organization says. "This might be the end of civilization as we know it. It's only a matter of time."