By Will Jones
The ABC television network announced yesterday that actor Samuel L. Jackson will be filling in for Dick Clark as host of this year's "Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve."
Clark, age 712, has been hospitalized again this year after suffering a minor stroke, eerily similar to what happened to him last year, preventing him from fulfilling his duties as host for the hippest, baddest New Years Eve show in living memory. Regis Philbin was unavailable to host due to his recent spinal injury at the hands of Kelly Ripa, so ABC was forced to look for a replacement elsewhere.
They found their golden boy in legendary actor Samuel L. Jackson. Jackson agreed to host the program only after being granted total creative control over the show. Jackson wasted no time in revamping the program to his liking, and it looks to be one of the best yet.
The show, now called "Sam Jackson's Muthafuckin' Rockin' Eve," will be formatted much like it always was. Jackson will entertain the crowd with angry stories from his past, which he will scream at the camera with inexplicable rage. In between his ranting, he will cut to various celebrity and musical guests, all of whom Jackson will shoot in the face after their segments are over.
"I'm really looking forward to performing on the show this year," said singer Ashlee Simpson. "I can't wait for Samuel L. Jackson to blow my head off. He's good at that."
Jackson could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy blasting motherfuckers.
Strangely enough, we found that the blasted motherfuckers were also unavailable for comment.