By Scott Kaplan
As the holiday season greets us all, there is one holiday tradition (besides increased suicide rates) that shall never die. And that is corporations around the world doing their best to give their same ordinary product a fresh new holiday spin. "Buy some Christmas tree snack cakes and Santa will leave an extra present under your tree." "Buy this plastic Chanukah Bush and the Lord will look past the fact that you are Jewish, at least for this year." Ah, it really is a magical time of year.
But finally one corporation has created a spin that surpasses all others. For the 2005 Christmas season, Dippin' Dots has invented a new flavor of futuristic ice cream which is sure to stir up some Christmas cheer - "Jesus".
Sure, people can eat parts of Jesus at Church, but for many, that just isn't enough. "I don't know about anybody else, but I get an almost daily craving for some Jesus," said Campus Crusade president Jonathan Stokes. "Now that Lenoir's offering a Jesus-flavored ice cream, I can finally walk off to class happy and saved."
Junior Kim Jones reported that her grades in Reli 22: New Testament rose sharply once she began having a daily cup of Jesus-flavored ice cream.
Dippin' Dots has also unveiled a bold ad campaign to accompany their new ice cream flavor, promising "For just $6.75, you too can put our Lord and Savior into your mouth and taste His goodness."
And just what does the Prince of Peace taste like? Sophomore Elizabeth Carter says, "it tastes like you're biting into a cute little bunny rabbit." Psychology Professor Steven Pitz commented, "it tastes like taffy…and I love my taffy. I also taste a subtle hint of cumin seed."
So why did Dippin' Dots decide to create Jesus ice cream? Maybe Jesus is the hot topic of the month and Dippin' Dots wanted to profit from it. Maybe someone had always wondered what Jesus tasted like frozen. Or maybe, just maybe, it has something to do with the fact that this ice cream company has been the ice cream of the future for about a fucking decade now and are desperately trying to make themselves the ice cream of the present, allowing them to be found in more than just amusement parks and Lenoir Dining Hall. Who knows? I sure don't. But one thing is certain. Something so religious has never tasted so good.