By Will Jones
It's hard to believe that in this season of Santa Claus and reindeer and the salvation of our friggin' souls at the hands of the great and mighty Jesus "Immaculate Conception" Christ, some people don't get down with the Christmas spirit, but it's true. We call them Jews. Instead of Yuletide awesomeness, these strange beings celebrate another, more bizarre holiday called Chanukah. But what is Chanukah all about? Well, kiddies, sit down in BoUNCe's no-longer-pedophilic lap and let us tell you all about it.
The War
Our story begins a long time ago in a Judea far, far away. As often happens, some people were persecuting the Jews. Chances are you've actually participated in that part of the story yourself, so we'll just get to the fun part. So this king wisely decided that the Jews shouldn't be able to worship as they wanted and instead he made them worship the Greek gods, which in reality are just like the Jews' god except for less stoning and more drunken orgy festivals. Most of the Jews said "Sweet," and hit that shit like there was no tomorrow, but some of them were on their periods and decided not to have fun with everybody else. They were called the Maccabees.
The Maccabees built up this huge army and started attacking the nice Greek-happy king, much to his surprise. The fighting was brutal on both sides, and sword crossed yarmulka thousands of times in thundering battles across Palestine. Though they fought with self-declared bravery, it looked like the Maccabees were going down. Scholars debate the reasons for the Maccabees' predicament, but most attribute it to a general spirit of self-loathing and depression among the Jewish warriors.
The Jews were trying everything they could, even going so far as to offer Barbara Streisand CDs as peace offerings and delving into the frog launchers that had served them so well when they were having that big beef with the Egyptian Pharaoh. The Judeans were nonplussed by ersatz plagues and freakishly self-important divas, however, and continued to press the attack until it seemed all was lost.
Then, suddenly, the Judean king decided to invade Russia in the winter. Knowing that this was a horrible, horrible move, the Maccabees sat back and ate grapes and waited for their inevitable victory. Soon the Judeans admitted defeat at the hands of the Soviet Union, and the Jews celebrated the only military victory they've ever had without the support of the United States.
The Menorah
The Menorah is a famous Jewish symbol, almost as important nagging mothers and the World Bank. It's like a candlestick, only with eight candles instead of one. You can see why this is important right from the get-go. Beforehand, the Jews had tried other, similar symbols. Babies with eight fingers on one hand were hard to come by, however, and a fork with eight tines just lacked pizzazz. There was brief success to be had with a beer keg with eight taps, but that joy lasted barely half an hour after Noah Silvermanbergsteinowitz, celebrated Hebrew lush, got his hands on it. Candles were far easier to maintain, they decided, and the menorah was born.
After the war was over, the Jews decided to celebrate, party animals that they are, by lighting these candles. But because they're really hardcore and for some reason love the number 8, they didn't just want to light the thing for one day. They wanted to keep it lit for eight days. And they did. As far as most historians are able to tell, the rest of the celebration was just people sipping mimosas and talking about how neat the new candles were. And that's what 2,300 years of holidays centers around. Crazy.
Chanukah Today
Jews have kept up their history of rocking parties to this day. When Chanukah rolls around every year on no particular date (sometime just before Christmas, usually), they break out their wooden tops, jelly doughnuts and potato pancakes. That's right, you heard me. Potato fucking pancakes. Every night for eight nights they get presents, like more wooden tops and yet more potato pancakes. On the last night, though, is when each Jew receives their big present for the year, usually something along the lines of a Hollywood production company or yet another year of family guilt.
And then, the cycle is born anew.
How did these people ever win a war?