By John McWeis
Sony BMG has recalled several million copyright-protected music CDs, citing consumer reports that indicated that the music on the CDs was so bad, computers that played the discs would infect themselves with malware and viruses.
Emile Guerini, a company spokesperson for Sony, detailed the initial reasoning behind instituting copyright-protected CDs. "We were tired of piracy, so we started signing on bands like Switchfoot, Our Lady Peace, and the polka-metal group Satan's Schnitzel, releasing music so atrocious that any file sharers would be stigmatized for even putting it out on the internet. This embargo strategy is revealing its kinks to us now, with all these computers crashing because of the abominable material on the CDs. Still, we have had some redemptive sales in marketing the discs as microwavable, jewelry, and sex toys."
"It was digital seppuku," self-taught computer technician Takeshi Sumarani wrote in an e-mail from his mother's basement about the hard drive suicides. "The music would suffocate the poor motherboards until they were overloaded and shorted. However, it is a boon for us in the PC repair business. I can finally afford that ATX 6500 chip to finish my cyborg girlfriend."
In the same statement, Guerini explained the company's newest measure in infringement protection: CDs that melt five seconds after being listened to. He also defended Sony's policy of pressing charges against file sharing software users. "Protracted litigation is an effective deterrent to musical thievery, and since we are committed to protecting our artists' interests, we will continue taking copyright criminals to court. Not only that, the whole concept of sharing is Communist, so it is our civic duty to hunt down those pinko bastards and sue them. Plus, no one likes pirate music."
Some consumers were incensed about Sony's tactics in limiting the uses of their music. UNC sophomore Melissa Tyre told her story to BoUNCe. "I was just jamming along to 'Pimp Juice' and instant messaging my friends when my computer just bit the shit. All these windows started popping up to shock monkeys, punch donkeys, and free PSPs; then every document I opened said '1ol pwn3d bitch. ROFLMAO!!!1'. I took my laptop in to ATN, and theys told me about the wack copyright thingy on my CD. It's a destructive and ineffective policy in my mind. But, it's pretty funny to give a Sony CD to someone you hate, like that slut-bitch, Kera Mullen."
One man, Jacob Wynn, when asked his opinion about the recall, smugly remarked, "None of this affects me; I make my own music with a kazoo and my armpit."