By Jake Goldman and Stephen Ji
In a move that stunned holiday patrons the world around, Santa Claus, the known patron saint of Christmas, has announced that he has converted to Scientology. The announcement by St. Nicolas himself was conducted at the North Pole which has now been converted from a toy factory to giant personality test center.
"Well truth be told I wasn't really happy. Jolly, sure. But according to my personality test, my life was in the reindeer-sized crapper," said Santa Claus, "And besides so much of my life makes more sense now. I find that my unique ability to travel around the world and deliver all the presents in a span of 36 hours (you know, with the time zones and all) can only be explained through the theoretical Quantum Physics found in Mr. Hubbard's book."
Scientology is a religion based on the science fiction writings of L. Ron Hubbard that consist of the belief that negative emotions come from dead outer- space monsters. Santa Claus has quelled a lot of the uproar by stating that he will still be giving presents though 99% of them will be copies of "Scientology: Fundamentals of Thought." The rest will probably be wooden train sets. "You know," commented Claus, "Whatever I have lying around."
While the majority of America has been outraged by the holiday figure's change of religion, Hollywood has been buzzing with excitement. Tom Cruise held an impromptu press conference at his hotel in LA while jumping on a couch. "Hooray! I love Santa Claus!" stated Mr. Cruise, "I'm so happy! Hooray!"
Still, numerous religious figures have lashed out at the man with the belly like a bowl full of jelly. "This is just another attempt by that fat bastard to steal this holiday from Jesus," said televangelist Billy Graham, "I mean, if Jesus were here right now, he'd kick the living shit out of that heathen whore."
While this announcement will certainly cast an odd light on the holiday season, many are confident that this is merely a phase for St. Nick and he's sure to snap out of it after he watches It's a Wonderful Life 40 times in a row.