By Julie Robertson
There is a major problem at UNC that has yet to be addressed: people's inability to kiss properly. It seems like every time I lean in for a smooch I end up tossing tonsils with a Viking berserker or the fucking Crypt Keeper. So here are a few helpful hints to enrich your make-out time.
Be considerate. Pop a mint or some gum before you start lip-locking, for the love of almighty Zeus. And please, have no food in your mouth. It's disgusting beyond belief to kiss someone when you can still taste your chili fries. And if you can taste THEIR chili fries…. I can't even finish that sentence.
Do not pass lips, do not collect $200. If your tongue makes contact with the other person before your lips do, you might as well invest in some nice vibrators or other masturbatory technological wonders because you are NOT going to get laid any time soon. Kissing means lips, dumbass.
This is not hockey, nor is it prison. No jabbing of tongues down the other person's throat. It cuts off air supply and is a choking hazard. And while necrophilia may be your thing, it's certainly not mine.
Don't spit. Slobber is a one-way ticket to Lonelyville. A point-blank loogie is not impressive. It's freakish.
Don't Swallow. Contrary to popular belief, you cannot consume another person's body part when it is still attached to their FACE. So, this whole fascination with trying to swallow another person's mouth… it's not possible. You're not a fucking snake. Do not try to unhinge your fucking jaw and try to fit it around the other person's mouth. It's not sexy and it's DISGUSTING. Stop it.
Don't go limp. Try to have at least some tension in your lips when kissing another person. Honestly. It's like kissing a fucking camel. Come on. A camel? You don't want to be like a camel.
If you don't like this advice, don't worry. You might actually enjoy dying cold and alone. Let us know how that works out.