By Christina Foster
Reminiscent of an age-old conflict, the Campus Crusade for Christ has begun attacking the Muslim Students Association to reclaim the Holy Land, which is apparently now the Top of Lenoir.
William Graham, a devoted Crusader, begged to explain. "We must reclaim the Holy Land from the infidels," stated Graham, "First they took all the cheesy bread while we waited in line. They have been taking our tables for a while now, but then they stole the TV room! We can no longer just sit by and let the heathens continue this path of destruction. Now we are avenging our honor, and God will smite them with His almighty power!"
Starting last week, the Campus Crusaders have nobly reclaimed their tables, effectively removing Muslims by sprinkling them with holy water and threatening their lives with forks. A number have been taken captive, held as slaves to be sexed up like nothing else. The spoils included 6 flying carpets, 7 computer programming textbooks, 21.5 Kwik-E-Mart slushies, 1 "Underneath the Burqua" porn DVD, 2 virginities and Poland.
According to Graham, it is anticipated that all Muslims will be exiled from Lenoir within the coming month. A number of the surviving members of the MSA have pledged revenge. As Ali Baba Brown, spokesman for MSA, stated, "They doesn't know what a powerful enemy they have made. Allah will save us all. I mean, he's long overdue."
The MSA has begun organizing itself against this onslaught, studying Disney's Aladdin trilogy for battle tactics and consulting Buddha, Joseph Smith, and Ganesha, the Hindu elephant deity who rides a mouse, for advice. Retaliations are expected to occur at any time.
Duke Students To Pilot New Battlemechs
By Will Jones
Students at Duke University were overjoyed to hear that they would each receive a brand new Battlemech courtesy of the school.
The Mechs, enormous robotic suits of combat armor averaging fifty feet in height and packing tons of futuristic weaponry, will finally cement Duke's position as just plain better than everyone else.
"I can't believe I get to drive this fucking thing!" exclaimed Duke freshman Matty Razchek as he climbed into his new 75-ton Mad Cat Mech. "This is even better than those free iPods we used to get!" The rest of his comment was lost as he laid waste to a battalion of national guardsmen.
Some people have expressed confusion as to the educational value of these hulking machines of death.
"You're missing the point," said Duke President Richard Brodhead. "These Mechs are not about education. They're about proving that while you losers over at UNC won't let your students make free copies, we'll give our students anything they want, even if it's beyond the bounds of science. Oh," he added, "they're also about blowing shit up."
To support the apocalyptic deaths units, Duke's Student Stores are now stocked with Long Range Missiles (LRMs), Particle Projection Cannons (PPCs), and other advanced weapons, which until now were thought to be merely popular fiction, all of which are offered free of charge to students.
"Only the best for our pampered little bastards," Brodhead commented as freshman Ryan Worley, piloting a 100-ton Atlas Mech, used his gauss rifles to blow away a column of US Army tanks.
The UNC student body has expressed universal disappointment with the new offering at Duke.
"It's all right," said one optimistic UNC sophomore. "The lady in Lenoir didn't charge me for ketchup packets yesterday. That's just as good as a giant robot battlesuit, I think."
UNC officials have denied all pleas to give their incoming students any free stuff. However, they will continue to screw students over at every chance.
In a related story, Duke has just announced a new available "Clan Smoke Jaguar" minor in which students can become intergalactic mercenaries and fight in epic space battles for the safety of all mankind.
New CLIMAX Theaters: Wave of the Future
By Selena B.H. & Rachel Jordan
The new CLIMAX theater in Raleigh celebrated its grand opening Sunday. The CLIMAX theater is located near the existing IMAX theater at Exploris just a few yards away off an alley.
When asked to describe the function of the theater, manager Gary Gibraltar explained, "It's like IMAX-only porn."
The CLIMAX theater will show exclusively pornographic movies on its eight-story screen; planned showings for this year include Gargantuan Girls IV and Raging Grandma-hoes: The Sequel. One of the current movies playing, Cocky Monster, is in 3-D.
"You've never seen porn," Gibraltar said, "until you've seen an eight-story tall clitoris floating in front of your face." Ellie Mason, who attended the premiere of Cocky Monster, described the experience: "Whenever I saw the penis just pop out at me, I'd reach for it, even though I knew it wasn't there! It was, like, a reflex!"