By Paul Preston
We here at BoUNCe Magazine have long stood as the lone bastion of open discourse and intelligent resolution of opposing perspectives, but even we can get stuck between two sides of an argument that no amount of bickering will resolve and, let’s face it, that gets boring really fast. As an act of generosity to you, our readers, the experts on call have gone and put the “silly” in “conciliation” by providing you with our favorite methods of ending a pointless argument!
Disgust the opposition
Without flinching at all and while
speaking continuously, start picking your nose. Act as if there’s nothing
going on, but take it knuckle-deep, your opponent should just get sick and
walk off without thinking twice about it.
Think big, think infant
Just start crying like a baby who
can’t figure out how to say the word “nipple.” Sure, you lose much more in
terms of your pride and respect than with some other options, but covering
your face and running away follows naturally, which is, at this point in
time, the only thing you really should care about. Just get out of there
and deal with any of those messy consequences later!
The Shadow Game
It’ll only take about 30 seconds or less of
repeating whatever your opponent says before they get frustrated and
leave. This fits in with the whole immaturity issue, and even if you are
known for this move, it’s still far too annoying for anyone to want to
deal with. Bonus points if you don’t get punched in the face after the
fact.
Hunger can help you
If there is anything, anything edible,
and that word can be applied to a very broad spectrum when you are in the
middle of one of these arguments, within reach, grab it, throw it at your
opponent as hard as you can and scream “food fight” at the top of your
lungs. According to every movie I have seen until I was twelve, the
ensuing gooey fracas will provide plenty of cover for you to escape.
Careful with brittle candy and stuff in jars; you don’t want to kill them.
Or maybe you do, in which case Skor Bars can really...well...score
big.
Gone, but not forgotten
Fake your untimely demise. What works
better than that? Nothing. A simple heart attack or poisoned French fries
are easy to pull off and difficult to disprove, but if you’re one for
flair, the right sound effects and some skillful pantomime make for a
great sniper-death. Just make sure that when you get to Mexico, you speak
enough Spanish to get by, but not so much that you start getting into
arguments with every Tom, Dick, and Pablo you meet and have to opt for
this again. After all, nobody likes starting a new life in Canada.
Adding insult to injury
Mid-sentence no-warning head butts?
Hell yes. Beware of Irishmen when pulling this one off, though, they
usually can see a headbutt coming a mile away.
Walking the dog works!
This is a bit of a stretch if you
actually respect your opponent’s intelligence, but it makes him or her
look delightfully stupid if it is executed with the kind of precision and
grace necessary in difficult situations. Even if he or she is not an idiot
for real, everyone will think that after you are done. Hold up your hand
(either hand will do in this instance) with your fingers curled like
you’re holding a tennis ball. Shake it around vehemently, make sure you’re
still maintaining eye contact, and “pitch” it behind your opponent, saying
“GO get it boy!” Follow through! If they turn around to follow the ball,
even for a split second, just give a booming belly laugh and say “that’s
exactly what I’m talking about.” Turn around and walk away.
This time it’s personal
Good, clean, old-fashioned slap in
the face. Depending on the gender of your opponent, this will either
result in a total asskicking or a sexual assault lawsuit, but hopefully
either one will be more interesting than the argument at hand.
Whatever you say, Boss
Just agree with them. Seriously, dude,
let it go and take the higher road. You’re tired and hungry and have other
things to do, why not just let them have this one? Besides, you’re not an
expert on the subject, for all you know the holocaust IS a liberal jew
hoax. Why not? Now your only problem is getting out of there alive.
Ninja vanish, Ninja win
Throw down a ninja smoke bomb and use
that time to get the hell out of there without a problem. Yes, they’re
expensive, and you probably don’t have one, but if you successfully pull
one of these off, you will be revered as a god, maybe even more than a
god, maybe like a super god, because that is fecking metal as hell.