By Paul Preston
Because of our desire to bring you the very cutting edge in the science of controlled malnutrition for the sake of appearance, we here at BoUNCe have compiled a list of all the latest, greatest diets not on an FDA-approved list... Just in time for the holidays!
Emaciation Proclamation
Looking to lose weight without the
hassle of exercise? This double-threat method allows you to lose weight
and oppose social injustice at the same time! The procedure is simple:
pick any issue which you feel strongly about, then stop eating until
someone else solves the problem. In the time it takes your social reform
to overcome years of established impediments, you’ll have withered away
into a sexy, skeletal husk!
Rwandatkins
In this revolutionary diet, we hire a ruthless
local warlord to stage a bloody revolution, overthrowing your weak central
government system and imposing a heartless junta over you and your entire
village. Government resources would be redirected to building palaces for
the self-appointed dictator, as well as for hiring janitors to mop the
rape-rooms. Without the food to sustain yourself, you slowly starve and
hope that the Red Cross brings food once you’ve reached your ideal weight.
This program has already been tried by millions, with significant
results!
South Preach Diet
Originally developed by Reverend Gary
Birdsong, famed health enthusiast and all-around angry person, this
particular exercise routine pushes the boundaries of human endurance. A
special high-density Bible, waved about violently, provides upper-body
tone, and, when coupled with furious, booming rants, provides a full
cardio workout. Couple this with a special wool suit, just two straight
hours every odd day of the week pacing around in the heat of the day
without sitting down or taking a breath from your tirade will show just
how devoted you are to weight loss!