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DEAR ALLI,

Would it be appropriate to get my girlfriend a pearl necklace for our third anniversary?

-Thoughtful in UNC-CH

Dear Thoughtful,

We both know what the real question is here: giving your girlfriend a pearl necklace will definately get you laid this Christmas. Unless your face resembles the surface of the moon, or you’re currently married. Married guys get no action anyway.

The bigger problem here is: why have you been with this girl for 3 years?! You’re in the prime of your libido. Girls these days will give it up for less. Like for Cubic Zirconia. I know I did.

XOXOXO

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