By Andy Jones
In a recent study, Top of Lenoir was cited with the most rampant usage of genetically modified organisms (GMOs) in North Carolina. The indictment came as a shock to many members of the university community, except those who have actually eaten there.
“I’m not gonna act surprised,” commented Robert Emmet, a senior biology major found in Lenoir eating a potato.
“I mean you’d think a place like UNC would think about the socioeconomic consequences of using soil-raping, nutrient- draining, biodiversitydestroying GMOs, but on the other hand I’m pretty sure four-foot-long potatoes don’t exist in nature.”
“At least I’m not eating by myself, nerd-boy,” said Emmet’s potato. “See,” added Emmet, “this potato is talking shit to me. Non-GMO food never does that.”
The study also pointed out that even regular-sized food at TOL was not exempt from genetic modification. For example, the pizza contains very little pizzoid genetic material. It is largely a combination of garlic, garlic salt, and rubber DNA. When charred to the proper extent, this genetic cocktail tastes surprisingly like bad, rubbery pizza. Also, normallooking apples are actually a hybrid of crab apple, crab, and bovine DNA.
This combination was successful in creating a fruit that looks exactly like an apple, but tastes like ass.