By Mystic Jay Morgan
Virgo: Your insistence on being a ladies’ man is further
hindered by the native’s sacrifice of yet another virgin to the volcano
god.
Cancer: The sudden influx of mutant cyborg leopards in
your yard is worth noticing.
Taurus: Your idea to go cruising for chicks is crushed abruptly
when your Cavalier breaks down in front of the middle school.
Capricorn: The mystical star signs of Capricornus gives you the
bird.
Scorpio: Your ADD begins to deteriorate as … Hey! Look at
that
bird!
Pisces: You would be a lot more popular if World of Warcraft was a spectator sport.
Aries: It would help you sleep a lot better at night if
those mysterious men in trench coats would stop staring at you.
Leo: Your plans to dominate the world are stopped as your
mother tenderly caresses you back to sleep.
Gemini: Weird - the guards usually surrounding your
Colombian drug empire are missing. Must be a day off. Yeah, that’s it.
Aquarius: Your legacy is enshrined after CNN profiles your
“Waffle-Iron Mishap.”
Sagittarius: You feel a strange eye following you
throughout the day. You normally wouldn’t care, but you’re starting to
have second thoughts about living in Jurassic Park.
Libra: The whale triumphantly breaching the surface of the
sea is not a poignant metaphor for success as you once thought it was, but
actually a brutal reminder of how obese you are. High five for self
control.
If Today is Your Birthday: Your mailbox containing the publishing rights to Secular Thoughts On A Secular God is mysteriously struck by lightning on Sunday. Your humiliation furthers as you realize that you tried mailing that manuscript on a Sunday. Easter Sunday, no less. Way to go, buddy. Consider lining the foundation of your house with rubber siding, and you should probably chop that redwood in your front yard down, too.