By Chris Faulkenberry
In a stunning turn of events during a match last Friday, Paper, whose record against rival Rock was previously unblemished, suffered a crushing defeat. Thomas Niphal and Perry Bartholomew, seventh-grade students at Velma Hamilton Middle School in Madison, Wisconsin were engaged in a match of the popular schoolyard game of Rochambeau, better known as “Rock, Paper, Scissors” when the unexpected victory occurred.
Niphal, who threw paper, was stunned when Bartholomew’s choice of rock left him victorious. “I don’t know how it could have happened,” he said, “I’ve always been told rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper, and paper beats rock, but now my entire world has been turned upside down.” He stood, shaking his head. When Bartholomew was asked for his views on this surprising coup, he responded, “I never knew how the hell paper could beat rock anyway.” He and Niphal then giggled for five minutes because he said “hell.”
In the days following, physicists have discovered consequences much further reaching than were first expected. The disruption of the balance of paper, rock, and scissors has upset the balance of the universe, creating a fissure in the time-space continuum, beginning in Madison and expanding exponentially until it consumes all reality. But researchers have announced to the press that existence still has a good few weeks left. Department stores have assured the press that the tear in the very fabric of the cosmos is no excuse not to continue with Christmas shopping, and have attempted to lighten the mood by playing upbeat remakes of “It’s the End of the World as We Know It (and I Feel Fine).”