By Helen Thomas
New Year’s Eve: a time to be with friends, drink champagne, and
reflect fondly on the past year. For those of us not currently residing in
a Hugh Grant movie, December 31st usually goes slightly differently. If
you have friends, you may arrive at a party with/hosted by them. There may
be champagne, but more likely there will be a few bottles of Aristocrat
and a brightly colored substance being poured out of a blender. Maybe
you’re in a relationship and look forward to an evening spent gazing into
each other’s eyes and sharing a long meaningful kiss at midnight,
signifying that you will be TOGETHER FOREVER. If you feel the need to
engage in this type of behavior, do it in a secluded area, like an
abandonded mineshaft.
Everyone knows that the meaning of New Year’s is drunken hookups (besides watching the world’s oldest entertainer count down the seconds as the world’s largest mirror ball descends on the world’s largest pseudo-friendly yet claustrophobic mob). Everyone also knows that the midnight kiss is to prove to yourself that you are a desirable human being. Who cares if you haven’t been laid since March, or if your Saturday nights have been spent playing World of Warcraft…tonight is your chance to reinvent yourself as a sex god/goddess.
Depending on the type of event, you may be simply mingling and munching on Cheetos. The truly desperate situation results in a board game, at which point you must do one of the following: 1) leave; 2) turn it into a drinking game; 3) turn it into a strip game; 4) dominate Note: suggestion 2 can easily lead to suggestion 3.
At some point in the night, someone will inevitably turn up the music and lift their drink over their bobbing head, emitting a “Whoo, yeah!” (the universal signal for “this song is fucking awesome so everyone dance”). If you are drunk and/or white, this could harm to the illusion of sexiness you’ve been cultivating over the past hours. Best thing to do: bob your head and smile before excusing yourself to the kitchen to wait out the dancing.
If you’re lucky, when you return the countdown will begin as you lock eyes with that hottie you’ve been checking out, and your goal of validation will be achieved. More likely, your prospect will be on the other side of the room being chatted up by someone hotter/smarter/ richer than yourself (though without as good a sense of humor). Your hopes may be dashed, take comfort in the free food and drink, and make the best of the party. And remember, next year, there’s always an escort service.