By Andy Jones
Unconfirmed reports suggest that Maulvi James Al’red has been present at clandestine meetings with our enemies of the Great Brick Eyesore/Campus. He has been sighted on multiple occasions on the TTA bus to R’al’eigh, and the frequency of his visits has been noted to increase immediately before each of the recent tragedies.
It is nearly impossible to fathom, with the deathwails of our beloved martyrs still fresh in our ears, that our own leader could be responsible for their untimely and tragic deaths, that he could possibly be so heartless as to betray his faithful disciples of Chap’al Hill for the devil’s blood money.
“I can believe it,” junior Masoud Habib told reporters. “I have been saying he’s in cahoots with those red dogs of R’al’eigh all year. His name betrays him; it is of their devil lineage. He could have at least changed it to Al’blue. Then maybe it would not have been so obvious. I cannot even remember how he convinced us to vote for him.”
Whether his name is indicative of his loyalty or merely a coincidence, Al’red is undeniably sympathetic towards the Great Lucifer. His recent support for the free music service Ruckus was clearly a ruse to divide our campus according to whether we are Mac or PC users. While we are fighting among ourselves, he can freely conspire with the enemy knowing that a distracted public is incapable of scrutinizing the actions of its leaders. Moreover, the internal conflict will weaken our forces so that when the wolf-dogs of R’al’eigh attack, we will be powerless to stop them.
It is clear what we must do, fellow pilgrims. We must not let the dishonorable Al’red’s Ruckus Ruse distract us from what is important. We must remain strong and united in our fight against the wolf-dogs and their red ally among us. Al’red must be overthrown if we value our safety and harmony. Remain vigilant, fellow pilgrims! If there is one traitor among us, there may be others. Do not stray from the hallowed course. Soon we will overcome and vanquish the wolf-dogs forever, so that we may better focus our efforts in our battle against the demon! Long live the chosen people of Chap’al Hill!