By Paul Preston
Have you ever been in a bar and overheard a nearby patron order
a “sex on the beach,” then make a hilarious comment under the guise of
misinterpreting the drink’s name? Have you ever heard someone loudly tell
a bartender they’d love a “screaming orgasm,” then watched as they winked
slyly at the scantily clad woman seated next to them? Are you frustrated
by the limited opportunities for this kind of comedic brilliance? We sure
as hell are, and so, out of our boundless generosity, we here at BoUNCe
have taken the liberty of devising a list of sexier, alternative names for
your favorite alcoholic beverages.
Missionary Position: Beer in a fancy cup. You can drink it as fast or as slow as you want, you can turn the lights up or down, and you can order it in any shape of glass you want. But you’re still just drinking beer, you boring sack of bacon. Just hope the barkeep doesn’t fall asleep on you.
The Sixty-Nine: Applicable to any drink, this is when the bartender serves the ordered drink alongside an empty glass of the same type, so that the drinker can drink while performing the reciprocal action to the empty glass, i.e. urinating into it. It’s uncomfortable and less effective than drinking or urinating non-concurrently, but it’s the only way to be sure that bitchy glassware won’t go on about “how unfair it is.”
S&M: A double shot of tequila, a finger of grain alcohol and just a drop of battery acid, served in a ribbed condom. We really can’t imagine WHY you’d actually enjoy drinking something like that, but, hey man, we aren’t here to judge anyone.
Hymenectomy: Fresh, high quality cherry liqueur mixed with delicious gourmet peach schnapps. To enjoy this drink properly, one should put one’s entire mouth around the rim of the glass, so one can knock it up - I mean back - in a matter of seconds. It ought to be served in a glass that just … doesn’t LOOK small enough to fit your lips around. Technically, it’s supposed to be served hot enough to scald off all the nerve endings in your throat, but don’t worry; it only hurts the first time.
Emasculating roleplay: Flavored Smirnoff Ice.