By Paul Preston
I would like to take advantage of this available magazine space to publicly pronounce a grievance of mine to you, our ever-patient audience. I am talking, of course, about the guy in the Woolen gym showers who was jerking off like five damn feet away from me.
Now, mens-room showers are fundamentally awkward. Guys being naked together in a closed space is weird for anyone, we all know that. But, you know what? We rise above it. We accept our lot and we just get to scrubbing and avoid all eye contact. Not you though, you Donald-Pleasance-esque troll. I mean, come on, man!
Public or not, me standing rightfucking- there or not, you just HAD to start beating that meat like it just went off and insulted your most-definitelyunsatisfied wife.
It boggles my mind to try and even think of how something like this could have happened to anyone in the entire world, let alone me. How did this come about? Did you not notice me already showering when you walked in? Was that it? Did you think it was amusing for me somehow? Or were you amused? Did you get some enjoyment? What are you thinking?
At first, catching some rapid motion out of the corner of my eye, I assumed he was either rolling dice at hip-height or using some kind of shower kung-fu to “shake” the soap bar into a lather. My innocent hopes were dashed by grim realization, and I panicked like a deer in headlights.
In all modesty, I consider myself a pretty self-sustaining guy who knows how to handle the conditions. Building’s burning down? I know what to do. Terrorists hijack the plane? I can have a little fun. Creepy hambeast molesting himself halfway down the shower aisle? I’m lost. I don’t know if I should yell, run, ignore it, I don’t know. You know what? You stumped me. I will be the first to admit it. I applaud your cunning, sir, but now would you PLEASE cut that the hell out?
Now, don’t be fooled. I know some of you are gassing up gay jokes at my expense even as we speak, but let me allay your amusement right now. This was not one of those “wow that guy’s got a great body oh god he’s stroking himself why am I so excited ah well I’m in college” porn scenarios - I should be so lucky. This was a case of a short, bald, pudgy, I would venture to say “splotchy” little 50-something buttergnome violating sea-green linoleum tiles with a crime he couldn’t wait to get home to commit.
Dude, I know we all need to do it, but there is a time and a place. I refuse to believe that showering next to me is the most private experience you have all day. I mean, I had to spend six hours cleansing myself with high definition lesbian porn after the fact! God save you should this ever happen again, you fiend, because if I can ever figure out a way to castrate you without getting within ten feet of you, then I swear it will happen, and we’ll see who has the last laugh.