By John Dubya
Electronic empire Microsoft is tossing its hat into the erotica arena with a new personal media player, the Pune.
“Having botched the Zune, we decided to revamp the product to beat Apple to a niche in which there aren’t any contenders,” said spokesman Doss Wilkins. “The Pune will focus exclusively on pornography. We are developing an ecosystem where you can get videos, pictures, flogcasts, and weekly broadcasts of erotic audio/video recordings you can load on your device and enjoy anywhere.”
Microsoft received much criticism with the release of the Zune personal media player. Although it was intended to take on the iPod, its technical and aesthetic shortcomings left Microsoft looking for a better way to utilize their girthy gadget. The release of the first Punes, described as the initial phase of Microsoft’s Operation Hardwear, will coincide with the unveiling of Fuckus, the aforementioned service that will allow users to download so much smut their Pune will sizzle. One of the Zune’s more appealing features is its ability to ‘squirt’ music from one player to another, allowing users to share music in a limited manner. The Pune will also incorporate the wireless sharing feature. Female users will appreciate many of the Pune’s accessories, such as the compact mirror backing, useful for applying makeup, and a ribbed skin for extra enjoyment.
Some question Microsoft’s necessity to introduce a player designed strictly for pornography and whether anyone will actually use it in areas other than their private places. Wilkins dismissed these misgivings with a shake of the head, “Trust me, there is a perpetual market share for voyeurism and perversion. Any business would be crazy not to capitalize on such a dependable audience.”
“We are anticipating a lot of squirting with the new device,” stated Microsoft’s chairman and founder Bill Gates. “Though it’s no Nano, we’re hoping you won’t be embarrassed to whip out your unit and play with it in public.”