By Sarah Wolper
Bart Ehrman, chair of the Dept. of Religious Studies at UNC,
announced Monday that Jesus Christ will be joining the department faculty
next school year.
“We couldn’t be happier,” said Ehrman. “Professor Christ has done incredible work in his time, and it is a huge honor to welcome Him to our staff.”
Professor Christ has an impressive career that has spanned many years. His accomplishments include spreading the word of His Father, dying for the sins of man, and conquering death. He received His doctorate in education/religious studies at Harvard, and has authored or inspired numerous texts on religion and religious education.
Many of Christ’s former students remember Him fondly for His unique relationship with students and for His zany sense of humor.
“Christ’s class was awesome,” said Steve Lascowicz. “Sometimes at the end of the week, He’d even score a keg of water and turn it into wine for us. It was awesome!”
Still others remember Christ’s difficult assignments. "Christ often asked us to do some difficult things, but He was always very willing to discuss problems," said Jamie Coulter. "This one time, I got a C on a big essay, and I went to discuss it with Professor Christ, and He raised it to a B-! He totally saved my GPA! It was a miracle!"
Local man falls down escalator for 3
days
By Sarah Hodges
Local handyman Dave Laney was en route to the upper floor of Sears department store for a hardware sale when he fell on the escalator. The unfortunate coincidence was that Laney fell at the same speed as the escalator moved upward, causing him to fall continuously for three days.
At first, people grabbed for him as they moved past, but to no avail. After a few hours, riders became frustrated with him for moving in a zigzag pattern across the stairs, instead of keeping to one side so that people could easily pass him. At one point an Alpine rescue team was sent rappelling down from the ceiling, but couldn’t get a good footing on the stairs.
After three days the emergency stop was enacted and Laney was allowed to fall to the bottom of the stairs. He is currently being treated in the local hospital for minor scrapes, bruises and dehydration. He is also set to see a psychologist for depression stemming from his injuries and from missing the three-day sale on hardware.
Pelosi cleans House
By Jack
Cardinal
Speaker of the Houseelect Nancy Pelosi knows that, as the first female Speaker, keeping House is no small task. Throughout the 2006 campaign, Pelosi made promises to sweep Congress, and now has the metaphorical broom in hand. In fact, Pelosi has a plan to clean up Congress. She has vowed to make this the cleanest Congress in history by literally putting the laundry out to dry before she gets to ironing out the Democrats’ game plan. Pelosi believes she has a recipe for success with a Democratic majority in both houses. Already she is cooking up bills, such as the minimum wage increase. With all of her legislative chores to do as the first female Speaker, Pelosi will watch after the children each day by keeping them safe from preying Congressmen. Her colleagues do not anticipate any major changes in House procedures, other than a woman running the show. With the buzz surrounding this empowered woman, it is no wonder Republicans wanted so badly to beat her in the election.
Women's Studies majors form
tribe
By Tommy Allen
Women’s Studies majors retreated to the campus Outdoor Education Center on Monday, with the intent of forming their own Amazon tribe away from any and all male influences, sources report.
“We don’t need any chauvinistic male pigs!” cheered tribal chieftain and Women’s Studies major Courtney Lutz, clad in the tanned hides of male sacrificial victims. “We are strong and mighty women! Praise Venus! Praise Ishtar!” The surrounding women responded enthusiastically, by rattling their spears against their naked breasts. The few males present, held in captivity for the purposes of mating and sacrifice, cowered in their cages, constructed from the bones of their peers.
“I don’t know what happened,” whimpered prisoner Luke Ashland. “I was just collecting a water sample for microbiology, when these girls just jumped out of nowhere and tied me down. And they were yelling something about compulsory gender construction and unrealistic body image standards. I dunno.”
Ashland, along with his fellow captives, is slated for sacrifice to celebrate the beginning of the Great Moon Festival to Honor the Goddess Artemis.
Barbara Harris, chair of the Women’s Studies Curriculum, issued a statement:
“While I cannot condone the actions of the Women’s Studies students, this at the same time represents a considerable step towards gender equity. By skewering and slowly roasting their male captives, and subsequently using their charred skulls for drinking vessels, these women have taken great initiative in expressing their strength and independence. It ought to be viewed as a victory for females everywhere”
Added Harris, “Woo! You go girls!”
The male reporters sent to infiltrate the women’s campsite have not returned as of the time of printing.