By Andy Jones
At one forty-five in the afternoon, senior Kevin Lamarsh, anxious to make it to his two o’clock class, bumped into unsuspecting sophomore Lucy Michaels in Lenoir Dining Hall onTuesday, spilling a cup of iced tea onto her lap. He is then reported to have said, “That was clumsy of me, and I apologize profusely,” and then to have just sort of walked away without anything further.
“It was really weird,” commented Ms. Michaels. “I kind of felt lied to. I maybe would have given him ‘I apologize concisely,’ or ‘tersely,’ considering a lap full of an iced beverage on a cold day elicited a mere seven-word acknowledgement, but then again it wasn’t even really much of an apology to begin with. There was no expression of regret, no conciliatory sentiment, no actual use of the phrase ‘I’m sorry’ – really no trappings of an apology whatsoever, other than the word apologize. How am I supposed to take that?”
Other students who viewed the “apology” were eager to offer their own opinions on the subject.
“It looked like he was just trying to get out of a tough situation,” said Brandy Lesser, who had been sitting at a nearby table. “I think he just wanted to offer something up to her so that she wouldn’t be angry at him, but really he might as well have just said, ‘I’m too busy to care.’ If I had been in her shoes, I totally wouldn’t have accepted the apology.” She paused momentarily before continuing, “Wait, did she? I don’t think she did. If she didn’t, then how did he get away? He didn’t even wait to see if she accepted his insincere apology, did he? Poor form, sir. Poor form.”
Ms. Michaels was left without acceping nor rejecting the apology, but reportedly just stared after Lamarsh as he bounded down the escalator, breaking up several couples attempting to kiss. As she endeavored to soak up the iced tea on her lap with her sweatshirt, she continued to try to piece together the series of events just as they had taken place until finally coming to the most disturbing conclusion of all.
“And then he just left! I was kind of expecting an apology at this point, you know, after having just been informed that this guy does, in fact, apologize. But he really didn’t apologize at all! He just walked away without saying what he said he was going to say. So I was like really? You do apologize? Well then, where is my apology? I have iced tea all over my pants and it is, like, thirty degrees outside, and I am cold, and you are going to tell me that it is your want to apologize profusely or that you are, in fact, apologizing profusely – though I am apparently incapable of noticing it – and then just walk away without ever actually apologizing to me! Well, I ... forgive you … Damnit! That one actually works that way.”
Experts have stated that once a young man claims to apologize and fails to follow through, this trend will undoubtedly continue until one day he is finally reduced to sending personalized cards claiming, “I wish you a happy birthday, I’m sure."