By Chris Faulkenberry
In honor of February 14th, the date of the Catholic feast of St. Valentine, we here at BoUNCe have decided to introduce you to some of the lesser-known saints. Everyone has heard of St. George and St. Peter, but these are the obscure saints, the underworld of the canonized, the seedy underbelly of sanctification.
St. Bernard, Patron Saint of Alpine Rescue
Often mislabeled
as the patron saint of carrying liquor in little barrels worn around the
neck, this saint is noted for his loyalty, vigilance, and tolerance of
small children. He is often kept as a household saint or, on occasion,
employed as a watchsaint to ward off intruders. St. Bernard is one of the
largest saints in the world. He found Hollywood fame for his roles in
Beethoven and Kujo, two movies which offer strikingly differing portrayals
of his life and personality. St. Bernard is best known for his efforts as
a rescue saint in mountainous settings. His best-known miracle was his
discovery of three trapped skiers beneath a fallen avalanche.
St. Helens, Patron Saint of Fiery Death
This prominent saint
has made her home in Skamania County, Washington. She towers at a height
of 8,364 feet, making her one of the tallest saints in the Pacific
Northwest (trumped by St. Ranier, who also made his home in Washington).
Her most famous work was her 1980 eruption, which killed 57 people and
destroyed 250 homes. Hagio-seismologists are laboring around the clock to
discern when she will work another miracle. Her patrons include most of
the population of Washington state; their unending petition is for her to
refrain from performing any more holy works.
St. Bayer, Patron Saint of Fast-Acting Pain Relief
If you’re
suffering from headaches, backaches, or minor muscle pain, no saint works
better than St. Bayer. Other pious individuals can have harmful side
effects or just don’t last as long, so settle for no less when it comes to
relief. And if you have high cholesterol or are a high-risk candidate for
heart attack, St. Bayer just might save your life. Now available in new
“low-dose” form, he can be taken regularly to prevent heart problems.
While he has yet to perform any real miracles, it’s practically a miracle
how fast he can smite your pain.
St. Gygax, Patron Saint of Chastity
Born in 1938 to a Swiss
immigrant father who married an American lass, he is the canonized creator
of the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game and is considered the
father of the hobby. This statement in itself is a summary of his
monumental work toward encouraging chastity and purity. His holy miracles
are innumerable, transforming a multitude of attractive, socially
acceptable teenagers and young adults (including several BoUNCe staff
members) into creatures incapable of engaging in sinful, carnal acts, thus
protecting them from temptation.